Catharsis

*19*

When I got home it was past midnight. I delayed my arrival, enjoying the wind of change and giggling like a newborn at the thought of the scene in the park. The night was freezing but it never felt so warm. I still couldn't believe I finally managed to do something for Ha-Neul. I wore my heart on my sleeve, but I wasn't scared to get hurt anymore and if it is for her sake. 

I flopped on my bed and as I was rewinding everything in my mind, a sudden shyness took over and I felt my cheeks getting flushed. She said she loves me again. I said it too. But we still have a long road ahead. And she probably doesn't mean it the way I do. 

What do I actually feel about her? All I know for sure is that I don't say the words easily, only when I have strong feelings for someone. There's a fine line between love and friendship and an even thinner one between love and gratitude. I need to understand it first before I make another move. I am actually getting better, I don't want to dig my own grave.

I wondered if she was still alone. Was she thinking about what happened as well? Was she asking herself the same questions? Is she actually still holding on to the unspoken promise or as soon as she close the door to his apartment everything was erased? 

The weekend was busy with dance practice. I tried to focus on other things as there was no point to dwell too much on it. She wouldn't have time for me anyways. I hope she has time for herself. 

Monday came fast and I was quite excited as school meant me having Ha-Neul only for myself. I was shocked to see her being late and not attend the first class, she was one of the top students and would never skip school. As my anxiety grew bigger, she did show up on time for the second class, but I wished she didn't.

She looked ill. Dark circles were hanging low under her eyes and she looked tired and pale. I clenched my fists under the table, unsure if it's her boyfriend's fault or mine. She smiled in my direction but there was no time to ask questions as she arrived right before the teacher. I had no idea what the class was about, my focus was only on her and she looked spaced out as well. Next class was a self study one and for some reason our home teacher assigned me and Ha-Neul to move some stuff to his new office in a different building. I had no complaints though. 

Once we were alone I hugged her tightly, then cupped her face in my hands to make sure she is saying the truth: "What happened?" She chuckled and her complexion looked a bit healthier. 

"Hobi, you're worse than my parents! I am fine, just had some rough days with no sleep. And this morning I found my bike tires deflated so I couldn't get to school on time... Just moody Mondays, I guess." she sighed.

"You look like shit" I confessed, although in my eyes she would never look unpretty. She rolled her eyes as if I acknowledged something too obvious. "Why didn't you get any sleep? Were you thinking about me?" I teased.

"Yes, I did, most of the time" I choked at her confession and she let out a small exhausted laugh. "I couldn't help it, every time I thought about changing myself and was about to give up, you kept popping in my mind to stop me." she complained. I clapped, congratulating my efforts. "Such a nice guy I am!" I bragged.

"Too nice for your own good! But not very clever" she stuck her tongue out and if it didn't last less than a second I would have probably died of too much cuteness. 

I was happy to know she was actually putting some effort into it and didn't ignore my help. We were carrying the boxes to the new office when a familiar voice caught my attention. That's when I realized it was the building where Jimin and Tae were studying. Ha-Neul dropped the box she was carrying and rushed in the direction of the voices. I followed soon after, but kept my distance.

I could tell in an instant what was going on. Tae was being bullied again. Jimin was at his side, trying to help him. A guy was hitting on him and both my friends looked so uncomfortable. Jimin looked like he's been punched and Taehyung was taking steps back as the other guy was approaching him. I wanted to step in and put an end to it, but Ha-Neul took the initiative first and there was no time to stop her.

She placed herself in front of Tae with her arms spread out protectively. "Leave Tae alone, you scumbag!"

"Oh, if it isn't the one and only Ha-Neul! Does your boyfriend know what you're doing in his absence? And you say he's cheating!"

She didn't say anything, just glared at him. Tae tried to stop her, but she refused to budge.

A moment later the guy spat on the floor and went passed them, murmuring "Whatever, slut!"

"You didn't have to do that!" Tae shouted worriedly, while Jimin was still frozen in place.

"Of course I had to! I am doing it because I want to! It was bothering you and I didn't like it!" she shouted back.

"Why? Don't you care about the consequences? Think about your reputation!" Tae shook her shoulders, hoping to bring her back to her senses.

"What is the worse that could happen? Him breaking up with me? Waiting to be cheated on again? I couldn't care less!" she shouted louder.

"Ha-Neul, is everything alright?" Tae asked, softening his voice.

"No! It has never been! I go left when everyone goes right. I stay in the basement when everyone enjoy themselves on the roof. I want to watch the sky as well! I am sick of the darkness!" she confessed with tears in her eyes.

It hurt me to just watch, but she did choose to save Tae so I have to give them this moment. What he said next made me regret I didn't step in before and change the direction the further events will take.

"Then come to me, I'll carry you on my shoulders and you won't only see the sky, you will touch it as well!" Tae spread his arms like a bird of peace, smiling brightly as a ray of hope.

I moved my eyes swiftly on Ha-Neul and I could tell she was really considering his offer. Her mental state was very unstable since our talk that night, so now that she's been reborn she has the option to rethink her previous decisions. Including accepting Tae's confession and feelings.

"No, no, no, please don't!" I tried to shout but the sound was silenced. I was choking on my desperation as Ha-Neul let Taehyung wrap her in his big protective arms. "No, it's a mistake!" I screamed to no one.

Was I worried about my two friends getting hurt or was her choice wrong only in my eyes? A dark thought enveloped my mind as Tae leaned over and stole Ha-Neul a kiss. I stumbled on my feet and felt nauseous. There was a throbbing pain in my every cell, as if I've been pinned down by a thousand arrows and stabbed by a million daggers. I dragged my body away from the battle scene. 

If she will ever remember to look back for me, I will be long gone.