Catharsis

*8*

After meeting the boys that Saturday, I felt like things were getting better. I was happy to get the weight of my chest and they were relieved I could finally speak my mind without having to worry that it might weigh them down. 

It felt nice not having to pretend anymore. To be honest I felt happy in their presence most of the times anyways but there were the odd times when I just wanted to stop existing. When I felt like a burden. 

I knew I wasn't the only one struggling with self confidence, but I was the only one not talking about it or asking for help. It must have been hard for them on those moments when I wanted to give up everything. Being suicidal hurts more the people around you than yourself.

I just slapped myself asking why all this time I ran away from them when all I had to do is keep them close to keep myself safe and sound. They reassured me over and over again that I meant the world to them until I had to accept the fact. So I wasn't hiding anymore, ashamed of what I've become. 

Happiness starts with self love. I wasn't sure if I ever loved myself but I wanted to do it properly this time. 

I decided to start with opening my heart again to the things that make me happy. Like socializing and going out more. And when I say socializing I don't mean with the boys. I mean with new people. My friends already loved me, depressed or not. I had to regain confidence by hearing from other people. So I did the smartest move I could have thought of.

It was Monday morning and I walked into the classroom feeling confident. I smiled and greeted everyone for the first time: "Good morning!" I could see all the girls smiling back and greeting me happily. There was no trace of Ha-Neul though. It still feels weird to be in the center of attention and see them fangirling over me, but I will try to see it as a positive thing.

While the classmates were congratulating me on the performance I walked towards Hana's desk.

"Good morning, Hoseok" she said smiling. "I was really impressed with your performance the other day. I wanted to kick myself so bad for not having a clue what a talented classmate I had!" she paused, then continued  "I am sorry I didn't speak to you sooner, I felt a bit nervous as you were always staring at me, I didn't know how to tell you that I can't return your feelings without upsetting you!" she confessed looking honestly apologetic. 

It made me feel bad, I assumed for no reason she is a bad person, but I may have been wrong all along.

"I am sorry, but I don't think of you like that!" I bluntly confessed and she seemed a bit offended. "But I know someone who does. That's what I wanted to talk to you about. Me and the boys want to thank you for helping us so I would like to invite you to a meal this afternoon, if you don't have other plans."

"Thank you, I would love that! Can I bring my best friend as well?" She gestured towards another classmate that was sat next to her and I could swear that girl was staring at me this whole time. 

"Sure. The more the merrier!" I smiled then walked away. 

Everything went well. Now I just need to let the boys know. Especially Jimin. Or should I just surprise him? I chuckled imagining what face he would make. 

"Are you not going to invite me as well?" a familiar face appeared out of nowhere, making me take a step back. I could see a pout on Ha-Neul face and I couldn't hold my smile back.  "You should be thankful to me as well, don't you think? I shared my precious watermelon with you, Hobi, out of all people!" she continued dramatizing.

I just thought my nickname sounded so nice after she said it. I smiled again. "Good morning, Ha-Neul. Overreacting the first thing in the morning? That's not a healthy habit!"