Catharsis

*6*

I was sat by the riverbank watching the sunset, clinging onto the last piece of daylight. I could feel the darkness taking over. Again. More powerful than before. I buried my face in my knees, covering the back of my head with my hands. What happened to me? Who am I?

 I could suddenly hear a rustling sound and I lift my head up confused. I was convinced there was no one around, just me and my miserable thoughts. But to my surprise I wasn't alone. It was hard to tell who it was in the dim light but the silhouette was definitely coming towards me.

 As I was trying to figure out who it might be, I recognized the voice first. Ha-Neul? What was she doing here? How did she know where to find me? Was she even looking for me or was just passing by? 

"Hey..." she said softly.

"Did they tell you?" I sighed slightly irritated by her presence, just realizing my friends were most likely at fault. I don't know why I thought they wouldn't see through my lies. I was bad at lying. But why would they tell her that? It was very personal. I felt betrayed. 

"Mhm..." she replied nodding her head at the same time. There was a moment of complete silence. "I know how you feel" she said softly as she sat next to me, her head resting on her knees. She looked really tired. Was she running?

"How would you know?" I asked slightly annoyed.

"My boyfriend cheated on me a few months ago" she said with a bit of sadness in her voice, leaving me perplexed. "It's more common than you think. And it's not such a big deal unless you make it that way". She sighed and looked me in the eyes. "Hoseok, I know how you feel, I felt the exact same way, lost, confused, unwanted, not good enough. I am still not right and still recovering, but it gets better only if you want to. Only if you decide to love yourself, even if just a little bit".

I lost myself in her eyes listening to what she was saying, still trying to process the recent information. "You need to understand that it's not your fault. And if you made mistakes, you were not the only one. She took the decision on her own for her reason. It doesn't necessarily mean she didn't love you or that you were not good enough. You are good enough. It just wasn't the right person or the right time. Maybe both of you needed this to grow into better persons and you might get back together again" she smiled softly.

"I seriously doubt that" I said looking away from her.

"Do you still love her?"

"I don't" I paused. "I don't know" I replied, covering my face with my hands, thinking about it.

"I think you might still do. It's not easy to get over a big love. And especially when it ends like that. I still love him, even though I am trying my best to forget him. He was my first love and I gave him every little piece of me until I lost myself."

I could see her eyes starting to glisten. She sounded so sad although she was trying to hold her tears and smile instead. She was hurting, obviously uncomfortable talking about the subject, but here she was, trying to make me feel better. Unaware of my movements, my hand instantly reached her face to wipe a tear that was forming in the corner of her eye. Surprised, she just flinched and moved her face to one side so I can't see her wiping her tears away. I was as surprised as her, why did I do that?

"A-Anyways", she broke the uncomfortable silence, "I brought something to cheer you up!" I could see her rummaging through her backpack, pulling out a casserole full of watermelon slices. "I don't know why, I just thought you would like it!"

My face instantly lit up. "Are you kidding me, I love it!" I said smiling, excitingly grabbing the casserole and start munching on a slice. I could see her face turning into a huge grin.

"I am glad you like it, but leave some for me as well, ok?" she leaned over me and stole a piece of watermelon. We both smiled and continued to eat the watermelon, until she screamed my name: "Hoseok! For this world sake, what are those?" she asked while pointing towards my face. I just jumped right up, looking absolutely terrified.

I started screaming "Whaaa! W-what is it? Is there something on my face? P-please, make it go away!" I continued screaming while hitting my face, trying to remove anything that wasn't meant to be there. After a while I just saw Ha-Neul bursting into a huge laughter, making me more confused than ever and stopped my actions.

"What are you doing, silly?" she asked trying to settle her laughter and wiping her tears of joy. "There is nothing on your face except those unreal dimples! It's the cutest thing I've ever seen!"

"You scared the shit out of me!" I growled while sitting back next to her. "I really thought there was something scary on my face! I hate scary things!" I tried to calm myself down.

"I am really sorry, Hoseok, I didn't want to scare you. I was just shocked to see something so adorable!" she said smiling happily.

"Oh stop it, they're just dimples, what's so wow about them?" I scoffed.

"Are you kidding me? Those are not normal dimples! I've never seen anything so pretty, you are the cutest living being when you smile like that!"

I couldn't believe my ears. Was she really saying that? I let out a nervous laugh, but felt suddenly embarrassed and my face became flushed instantly.

"Y-you're just saying that to make me feel better because you know I am sad" I said shyly, looking away.

"It's true that I am here to cheer you up, but I am also a very honest person, you really are adorable and it would make me really happy to see you smile more often!" her voice changed from giggling into a more serious tone. "Hoseok" she said abruptly, making my face turn instantly towards hers "I really like you, I think you are a nice guy and nothing would make me happier than being friends with you." I couldn't believe my ears again, my eyes growing bigger and my heart beating faster. "I think we would get along well and  we can help each other, having similar experiences. We're also in the same class, so I can let you have my answers during exams!" she grinned.

I just burst into laughter at her last comment, relaxing a bit. She looked like she really wanted to be friends with me. And I think she is right, it might actually help me get better. And also I didn't exactly hate being in her company.

"S-sure, that sounds fun!" I said shyly. "But never forget about helping me during exams, that is an offer that I can't refuse!"

"Pffff, it's all about the benefits, isn't it?" she moaned, both of us bursting into laughter. Then she added "I guess that means you're not gay either!" we continued laughing.

I completely forgot why I was sad in the first place. We continued having small talk and munching on the watermelon. It was a good day in the end even if me and the boys didn't pass the audition.