Catharsis

*16*

My body didn't know how to react anymore at her words, my heart was already galloping with no brakes on. I suddenly felt really hot and I wanted to run outside and let the pouring rain extinguish the fire, but I couldn't move as Ha-Neul was already fast asleep and I didn't want to wake her up.

Her words were ringing in my head and I didn't know what to make out of them. She didn't mean it that way, she couldn't have. She just started over with her ex. "She loves you as a friend, breathe, Hobi!", I tried to calm myself. I was glad she was asleep and not witnessing my overreaction. I started to relax. I had no reason to get so worked up, we are friends, it's only normal to have feelings for each other. 

But why was I so affected? She is a girl, but she is my friend. And I wasn't looking for a relationship. And she said she doesn't want to fall in love with me. And she has a boyfriend. But why did she have to say it? Why did she have to make things more complicated? 

She was still cuddled close to my body, her hand resting on my chest and her warm breath on the side of my neck. I won't deny it, it does feel nice and cozy. Instead of worrying and overthinking, I decided to enjoy the moment, no matter how wrong I think it was. I placed my right hand on top of hers and I fell asleep like that, with a smile on my face. 

The morning came too soon. It was raining still, but less aggressive. I opened my eyes just to see a sleeping Ha-Neul next to me and the events from last night came back to me all at once, just like after a hangover. Her face looked really swollen from all the crying but she looked like the prettiest girl in the world to me and I couldn't help smiling. 

She opened her eyes slowly and noticed I was staring. I tried to act naturally to not give myself away, so I didn't look away and said "Good morning, sleepy head!" She smiled and threw away the covers, jumping on me and hugging me tightly. "Hoooobiiiii!" she shouted my name with her hoarse morning voice and I couldn't be happier. But why did it felt as if we were more than friends? 

She pulled away from me and stood up, looking too cheerful "I'll make breakfast to say thank you for everything you've done for me! Sorry for being so clingy last night!" she bowed and rushed downstairs.

I followed soon after, glad that she's back to her normal self and not sad anymore, but also happy that she feels at home with me. 

After she put the kettle on she asked "What would you like to eat?"

"Anything, really, I am not fussed."

"Are you sure?" she asked with a smirk on her face.

"Hey, you said you want to thank me, so it better be something tasty!"

"I will do my best, but I need to let you know that I am not that good at cooking normal food!"

"What is that supposed to mean?" I teased.

"Nothing, just that I am vegan" she giggled.

"Can you be weirder than you already are?" I chuckled, a bit surprised. In fact, that showed  even more how much of a kind hearted person she was.

"I will take that as a compliment, thank you! I'll just stick to some tea and toast! But the best you ever had, I promise, full of my blood, sweat and tears!"

"Ewww!" I complained and we both laughed together. 

We had breakfast keeping the same happy mood, continuing to tease each other and have fun together. She offered to do the dishes and I didn't have the option to refuse. 

"Should we continue what we've started two nights ago?" she asked, taking me by storm. I knew what she meant. "Only if you want to" she added, smiling softly. 

"Yeah, sure, why not" I decided. It was bound to happen anyways. I expected to feel uncomfortable or nervous talking about it, but the words came out effortlessly. "I met her 2 years ago, when me and the boys were just getting into music. She is actually a singer and has her own band. I won't get into details, long story short, we met because we were renting the same studio for practice and that's how we ended up becoming friends. A few months later she confessed that she likes me and I was floating on clouds as I had my eyes on her from the first day. I was quite insecure about my rapping skills back then and she was really kind and supportive. But soon after we started dating she started to treat me differently. She would often belittle me and make me feel inferior to the point that I've started to doubt even my dancing abilities."

I felt Ha-Neul moving closer to me and taking my hand in hers, looking slightly irritated. I smiled and continued "I don't really know what caused her to change. She would always say I am not good enough, not even near her expectations or how an idol should be. That I am a disgrace to the team and the boys are so much better than me. As if she was trying to turn me against them and make us disband. That I am boring. That I am not attractive. That no one would ever love me if it wasn't for her. And I started to believe every single word." Ha-Neul squeezed my hand tighter and tried to compose herself, giving me the chance to finish my story. Her eyes were glistening.

"She was also really popular, so a lot of boys were hitting on her, but I tried to hide my jealousy to not make our relationship worse. She never gave me a reason to doubt her, we were always together. Until last year, when spring just started, when just like the season changed, I had a change of heart. I found out she was cheating on me and heavily. Not once, but multiple times..." Ha-Neul couldn't stand it anymore and pulled me in a tight embrace, tears falling down her cheeks. 

"I am fine, really, I am quite surprised myself that I can speak so casually about it! Do you remember how you've asked me if I still have feelings for her? I've actually met her on the day of the audition and all I could feel was resentment and disgust. So I guess the answer is no. There is no reason to cry, seriously!" I tried to reassure her while caressing her hair.

"How can I not when you've been hurt so bad! And without deserving it, it's so unfair!" she muttered through tears. 

"I am doing my best now to accept she didn't actually love me and erase all the damage she's done." 

She released me from her embrace and cupped my face in her hands, staring straight into my soul. "They were all lies! I don't know what she was trying to achieve, but you are the most kind hearted, talented, hard working, funny, sweet, loving and charming guy I've ever known! You are just like the sun, although it's painful to look at you directly as you shine so bright, I can't stop looking in your direction!" 

Her face was too close to mine and my heart was about to pop out of my chest again. How can she erase all the pain and sadness gathered over a long time with just a few words? How can she give me so much love when we barely know each other? I felt so warm and cozy on the inside and for the first time in a long time I felt genuinely happy. And I believed her words, seeing myself through her eyes. I looked so precious. Just like she was to me. Feelings took over reason and I leaned my face closer, placing my lips on hers. I knew it was a mistake, but one I would never regret.