𝑪𝑶𝑴𝑴𝑶𝑵 𝑺𝑬𝑵𝑺𝑬, cmb ✓

- 𝟐𝟕 -

L R C

"I've been hurt before and that's why I close the door"
Phobias - Johnny Orlando

"Does it have anything to do with your phone call earlier?"

"If you don't wanna do this now then I understand..."

His words echoed in my head for the rest of the night. I remember how good his kisses felt. I remember how my heart stopped when he said he liked me. I remember the butterflies in my stomach when he kissed me back. So why don't I feel any of that now?

"I do. I want this."

That's what I told him. That's what I said. I meant it didn't I? So why the sudden guilt?

"Are you sure?"

I wanted it. I wanted him. I wanted him more than anything. I wanted it all 'cause it felt so good. It felt right. So why does it feel like I made a mistake?

A few hours later and Mia still hasn't come back from coffee with Jordan. Corbyn went home a little more than a while ago. He left here with a smile on his face, both our faces bright red. I got the apartment all to myself again, but this time it felt different. I was happy, but I wasn't at the same time. We've known each other for a month, hanging out almost everyday - this was bound to happen at some point?You should've said no...You shouldn't have rushed. You should've went with your gut.

Although I guess it's too late for that. I already said yes. I told him I was ready. I made him believe I was. And for a short moment, I even made myself believe I was...

I grab my keys and head out of my apartment. There's only one person I can talk to right now who'll listen and give me advice on this: Maggie. She said she'd be home after the party, so hopefully she's still awake. And even if she isn't, she'll wake up for me - or at least I'll make her wake up.

~ ~ ~

I park in front of my house, seeing all the lights turned off. Correction; all lights except for one. I knew Maggie would still be up at this time, she always is. I get out of my car, locking it as I jog up to the front porch. Fortunately, I still have a house key for emergencies - I guess you could call this an emergency.

I walk into the house, walking up the dark staircase. I make a corner, seeing my empty room from across the hall before knocking on Maggie's door. She immediately opens it, surprised to see me standing in front of her. "Already wanna move back?" she smirks as she opens the door wider for me to come in.

I take a seat on her bed, blowing the strands of stray hair on my face. She sits down next to me, handing me a pillow to lean against. "What happened?" she asks, already sensing something's wrong.

"Corbyn said he likes me." I say, beginning the story.

She gives me a look, her head tilted, "We've been know Lar." she says lightheartedly with a laugh. She always knew how to brighten up the mood. "Okay so what, you like him too, that's a good thing."

"Yeah I know...it's just, I don't know if I wanna be his girlfriend." I say, a little surprised I said it myself.

"What do you mean? Did he ask you to be his girlfriend?" she asks. Geez, the way she asks me makes it sound like I'm in middle school again. "Well...no-"

"Then I don't see the issue here." she says. Why is it when she says it, it sounds less complicated, but when I think of it, it's this big deal. I swear there's something wrong with me. She sees my expression change while she positions herself towards my direction.

"If you're worried that he thinks you guys are official, then just ask him, it's not that hard. You're both grown up adults that need to stop tiptoeing around your feelings. You're 21 Lar, old enough to drink til' you drop, yet you can't even admit that you really like him. You've had what? One other serious boyfriend in your life, that lasted for what? 9 months?" Gotta give it to Maggie for being so honest. Even if she was brutally honest. Unfortunately for me, she doesn't stop there.

"Seriously have you ever thought about why you're so single, it's 'cause you're weak. You cover up your feelings with your sarcastic humor that you never let anyone in. And from what I've seen this past month, Corbyn, he wants nothing more than to be let in - so let him in for Pete's sake. Most girls would kill to have a guy like Corbyn in their life, and from what I know, only 2 girls have had the chance. The first one, life pulled them apart. You on the other hand, you don't need life or the universe to pull you two apart 'cause you're doing it so well yourself." she goes off on a full rant. Again, painfully honest of her to say 90% of the things she said.

"Am I that bad?" She looks at me, more so annoyed and disappointed than usual. She looks at me and takes a breath.

"All I'm saying is is you're stupid if you're gonna push him away-"

"But I'm not pushing him away...I just need-" She interrupts me, holding her index finger up to let herself talk first. "What? You need time? You always say that Lar, and you know what, you're lucky that Corbyn probably will give you time. Stop playing the victim and own up to your feelings for once. You've been so happy since you met him, why stop it? I just think you're making this into a big deal, you guys are just taking the next step. It's not like he said he loved you or proposed, so just freaking tell him you like him back already."

I look at her with a blank stare, speechless. She looks at me back, trying to read my emotions. "Unless you're scared..." she says. I look at her, surprised. I never thought of it, but I am. Or at least I didn't want to admit it. I'm not like Maggie. I'm not like Jordan. I'm scared.

I'm not scared of love.

I'm scared of falling in love.

I'm not scared of commitment.

I'm scared of giving my all to someone and end up with nothing again.

"I'm scared that whatever relationship I put myself into...I'll end up like Mom and Dad." I tell Maggie. I keep my eyes low, looking down at the different colors on her sheets. "Dad...he loved Mom right? Loved her for years...but he left her. No explanation whatsoever. He loved you for 8 years, and he loved me for 6. But he still left us...It's just, if someone who loved me can leave, how can I be so sure if someone who likes me won't leave too? I really like him Mag..."

"I know you do. Trust me everyone knows you do. And you guys aren't gonna be like Mom and Dad okay? You can't leave a relationship you aren't in yet." she tells me. I guess she isn't half wrong. Maybe this is all in my head. Overthinking sucks. But it doesn't change anything. "If you aren't ready, you're not ready. I'm sure Corbs will understand." she hands me a pillow and blanket as she moves over to the other side of the bed.

"Now go to sleep, it's late." she says, turning off the lamp on her side. I put the pillow she gave me under my head, turning off the lamp on my side. She's right for opening my eyes and telling me the brutal truth: I'm scared and needy - definitely not girlfriend material. But then again...it's not like he thinks we're official right? We're just touching the waters for now, we're not in too deep just yet.

. . .

(a/n) sigh this chapter was shi-
anyways sorry for breaking your hearts. don't worry, it gets better ;)
...eventually hehe
okay that's all for now. stay swag homies ✌🏻💙
- freebesson98