Collided by Fate

CHAPTER 20

FALINI

"Anak, falini buksan mo naman ang pinto." Rinig ko sa labas ng kwarto ko. "Anak.. please naman kausapin mo si mame oh."

Month had passed already. But im still here. Ganito parin ako. Naiwan na ng panahon. Hindi ko kaya ang nararamdaman ko.

Gusto ko nang mawala. I wanted to end my life. Ang hirap hirap. Ang sakit sakit ng nararamdaman ko.

Bawat araw na dumadaan ay pinapatay ako.

Masyado akong naubos. Masyado kong ibinigay lahat ng saakin. Masyado akong dumipende sakanya kaya naman sobrang nahihirapan ako ngayon.

I felt how good it is to be with him. I felt the incredible feelings that I've never felt before. It just feels so good when im with him. He made me feel so alive.

Thats why i feel like dying now without him in my life.

I want to say that i dont to think of him anymore. But every time i will look in to things that reminds me of him. I'll ended up crying my heart out.

I want to say i dont miss him. That i dont see him in anything i do. That i regret everything that happened to us. But i will just be lying to myself if I'd say those.

I really want to get rid of our memories. I want to erase and scratch them off of my mind. I really want to. But i cant. I feel like im going crazy. I'll ended up hurting myself kapag pinipigil ko ang maalala sya.

Our memories is making me sane from the unending pain. Malungkot ako kapag iniisip ko sya. Pero para akong pinapatay kapag hindi ko sya iniisip.

I kept on avoiding from reminiscing all the things we used to do. It's just making me more sad than i am now.

Those memories that we have was beautiful. But now, its beauty is killing me and making me feel nothing but pain. An executing pain.

I dont want to do anything. I would just sit and stare outside of my window from twilight till dawn. I would watch everything outside my window and trying to avoid things that's reminding me of how we used to be.

It's crazy that i dont want to remember him but at the same time. I dont want to forget about him.

It's tiring me, tiring me to the point that i want to rest and not wake up anymore.

Everytime I'll glance at my bed. It will just remind me of how we cuddle. Of how he took me in his own way. And an image of him sleeping soundly and smiling will just appear in my mind.

When i go to my bathroom, it will remind me of how we bathe each other. How he would carry me to the bathroom always. How I shaved his whiskers. How he also took me under the shower.
It's just a bathroom but it became something special because of our memories there.

I am also starting to hate my neck.
I missed the way he would kiss me there. How he sniffed it. How he lick or even bit it sometimes. It's his favorite part of my body. And everytime i get to see my neck. A picture of him resting his head on it will appear in my mind.

I cant also look at my powder. I cant eat fruits. I cant eat properly. I cant sleep. I cant move properly.

It's because everything. Everything is reminding me of him. And it hurts. It's making me cry even though i dont want to cry.

Sa tuwing hahagip sya sa isip ko. Bigla nalang akong manghihina. Mapapaupo ako sa sahig at doon iiyak. Pigilan ko man, hindi ko magawa dahil buong sistema ko ay iyon ang gustong gawin.

Nahihirapan ako. Ayoko nang mabuhay. It's kind of stupid but i really wanted to give up my life.

Ang tanging pumupigil lang saakin ay ang pamilya ko. Kung tatakasan ko ang sakit na nararamdaman ko. Maipapasa ko naman sakanila ito.