Drowning in Love [hajeongwoo]

Prologue

Loneliness and grief; they go together with my whole existence.

I was eight when I drowned myself in the sea. It was my first time seeing a beach which the feeling of overwhelmed took over me, the height and deepness of the sea didn't actually occur in me nor made me worry. I was happy... I can vividly remember. Dad was watching over me, his smile was clear in my sight, he was happy too.

Whenever he shows me a wide smile, eyes smiling with his lips, it gives me strength, it makes my heart jump in joy.

We were happy... not until I reached the deepness of the sea, head already covered with the tallness of the water.

That time it hurts, my heart was being tightly squeezed. The helplessness took over; as if I'm breathing the last air.

As my back lied down on the shore's sand, my head turned over to the left side to witness my own father in cold feet; breathless and pale. I never trembled that bad.

When my Dad died, I feel like I never stopped drowning at all. Remembering the grief, I couldn't bring myself to believe he is really gone. My mind won't take it, it just wouldn't want to accept it, it's just so... harsh.

Staring at my father's casket, chest being squeezed, I never really breathed as my loud growl filled my ears and stabbed my heart.

The regrets will haunt me. The hatred of my father's family... I will live with it throughout my life; which I think the least way I can make up to their lost which is also mine. Dad was the only person who smiles at me... he embraced me with warm this world wouldn't afford to offer. His death is my scar for he died to save me.

I am just his bastard in other people's eyes, but in his heart, I am his son; that's what I hold onto.

Time heals. I wish it really does. But it don't. The pain of someone's death, it will live deep down your heart. Mind can fool you with reasons to live, to at least lessen the pain. But your heart will always remember the image of the person you're missing. Truth be told, the pain hides, it freeze, but it never goes away; it just lingers.

"You're here again, you bastard?" I heard Jihoon snorted. My hand trembled when I wiped off my tears as I face him in horror. He is still wearing his uniform.

Whenever our gazes meet, I am always reminded of my father, he got it, the different thing... it never smiles at me, it just loathes me.

He held me on my collar, pushing me away from  Dad's grave as he put the basket of flowers behind it. I pursed my lips, playing with my fingers when he stared at me again with his cold yet burning eyes.

"Dad, let me tell you an ironic story but it's kind of true to life. Hmmmm"

he glanced at me, as the corner of his lips rose to show a smirk.

"A ten-year-old kid drowned himself in the sea because he was a fool himself, I think it was just his nature, what a waste. But his father saved him despite his own trauma. Now, he visits him everyday, as if he didn't kill the person he is claiming his father, too, as if he can bring him back to life. Isn't that ironic?" he chuckled, more on a laugh to insult me. The gaze of disgust striked right through my heart.

I felt my tears streaming down my face again. My Dad's image flashed back in my mind, reminding me of that situation he swam over the water he has feared his entire life. I... wished... he... didn't... saved... me.

"You're crying again, Jeongwoo? C'mon, you always cry, it's sickening. Can't you just get lost?"

That moment, I just run away.

How I wish I can turn my back away from the Park Family, I wasn't a part of their pack, and will never be. I am nowhere to be found— not in their hearts nor in the family pictures hang on the walls of the mansion. I'm just as lonely as I should be, that's what Mrs. Park engraved in my mind. And I feel like I was obliged to be one because that's how I am since I was born.

But I promised Dad I will help the family, in my own little ways. Even secretive.

"Here's dark woo!" kids who bumped on me on the way screamed, laughing as they threw stones in my direction as I hid my face away in my arms.

"You are a curse! Why are you roaming around?" one of them named Woohyun said, sticking out his tongue as he made face to annoy me. I always cry. That's how weak I am. And I let everyone beat me up. Everyday, I am everybody's punching bag, their comedy— meanwhile they are my horror.

I'm miserably lonely. I just can't get away from this.

But I knew how to breathe again when I met Haruto, it's as if oxygen comes in his form. But even him also looks like running out of breath, there's something in his eyes that pulls me underneath; unbearable sadness. He never smiles, it's seemed like he's too tight, too serious but too lonely as well. I feel like seeing myself in him, like a mirror I see him as my reflection.

He made me think I can be his oxygen, that I can help him breathe again, to live again... He made me want to fix him despite the fact that I am miserably destroyed, too.

"Haruto. Breathe. Please. You can breathe again, stop holding yourself from living."

He stared at me with his eyes bloodshot, as if he pity me, as he always do.

"I am long ago dead, Jeongwoo. No one could bring back the life I once had with him nor bring him back to life so that I can finally breathe. And you... could never be Junghwan."

All this time, I thought I'll learn how to breathe again— I did... I was able to breathe for awhile that it totally feels surreal, but after that, I just started drowning again but this time I reached the deepest pit of my own loneliness.

✨

➷hi, this is hajeo's aj, this story is my second hajeongwoo fanfic next to TWOL. Keep safe everyone and  I hope you guys will enjoy this one.♡

➷start: August 31, 2020