PERFECT

Self

"Choosing yourself isn't selfishness..." 

"You can't heal if you can't love yourself like how you love them and ends up losing yourself..."

*****

ROSS POINT OF VIEW

"Why did Kryp didn't come back here?" I asked Gen kami nalang magkasama umalis ang dalawa. Inis na humarap sa 'kin si Gen habang hinihilot ang panga n'ya. But his gaze immediately turned into soft when he saw I'm in the edge of crying right now. Madaming tumatakbong tanong sa isip ko. Madaming tanong. 

"I told him that he should let you rest for a while."

"Rest?" I uttered. He nodded.

"Ross, you need time for yourself. Okay na kayo ng pamilya mo. Mag focus ka muna sa family at sa sarili mo. Pag okay kana mag-usap kayo. Huwag mong biglain ang sarili mo." Napatahimik ako. 

"Love yourself first. Para pagnaranasan mo ulit 'yong sakit na naranasan mo handa ka. At hindi ka ulit panghihinaan ng loob. Hindi kana basta susuko at hindi kana madudurog. Alam ko di ka pa okay." Napayuko ako. Actually I'm still doubting everything if it's true prinoproseso ko pa 'yong mga nangyayari. It's just I feel I'm floating and any moment I can fall down again. Nakakatakot. I don't know if tama ba 'yong nararamdaman ko o kung normal pa ba. It's traumatizing. Nakakatakot na baka magising na naman ako at lahat nang 'to ay panaginip lang at sa paggising ko puno na naman ng bangungot ang buhay ko. 

"I'm not telling you na sundin mo'ko. But consider it. Just time for everything. To think." I nodded because I know what Gen saying is true. For now, I should prioritize myself. I need to be ready not just for me but for every people I cherish. 

KRYP POINT OF VIEW

"Shorty" Napataas ang kilay ko sa pagtawag sa 'kin ni Sing nasa bar ulit kami. Nag-aya sila. Tinungga ko ulit ang alak na hawak ko. Sa mga araw na lumipas tanging alak lang ang naging kasangga ko. I want to be wasted everyday to forgot everything. I'm still haunted by the fact that I hurt Pree and I hurted Ross and makes him chose to hurt himself. I am guilty as f*ck. I couldn't help but to think that I'm the a worst person. 

"Bakit?" Kita ko sa mata nito na lasing na'to.

"Bakit ang liit mo?" I glared at him.

"Sing may tanong din ako." I said. Ngumiti ito pumipikit-pikit pa ang mga mata.

"A-ano?" suminok pa ito. 

"Bakit ka pa nabuhay sa mundo?" Tumawa ito. Napailing nalang ako. Saka tumayo at iwan ang mga bagsak kong kasama. Dumiretso ako sa bar stall. Hindi pa naman ako lasing gaya nila. 

"Gen" Tawag ko dito. Kausap n'ya si Kuya Sid nang makarating ako sa bar counter. I gestured to the bartender to give me something. 

"Anong nangyari sa mukha mo sinong may gawa n'yan?" I asked as I saw his bruise in his face. o Putok ang labi n'ya.

"Wala napaaway lang ako sa kanto. May sira ulo kasing nagsumbong." He hissed but soon he cackled as if it's funny. 

"Huh?" Wala akong naintindihan. Umiling lang ito at nginitian ako. 

Lumunok muna ako nag lakas ng loob itanong ang gusto kong itanong. "How he is? How's Ross?" Tinitigan ako ni'to ng ilang segundo bago sumagot. 

"He's fine. Nagdecide s'yang magpa-counselling. Alam mo na. Hindi biro pinagdaanan n'ya. The doctor said baka maulit ulit 'yon kaya need n'ya ng therapy ." May kung anong bigat na nabuo sa loob ko. I just shrugged off and sip on the liquor that I'd order a while ago.

"Bakit hindi ka dumalaw? Pwede mo naman ako hindi sundin." I smiled at him and place my head on the counter top. Nakaramdam narin ako ng hilo. 

"Because, he need time for himslef. Hindi ako madamot para hindi ibigay 'yon. And he deserve it. Nabalitaan kong okay na sila ng family n'ya?"

He nods his head. "They asked his forgiveness." Lalog lumawak ang ngiti ko. 

Fear really effective for us to realizes things that are important to us. Things that we should value before it's gone. Like life. Like family. Friendship. And yourself. 

*****

"Bal." Napatingin ako kay Khryz.

"Bakit?" Nasa condo kami nagawa ng paper works for our major.

"Why self-love is important?" He asked. It's part of our lesson.

"Because it can be your strength, Life is cruel Khryz, not all people will value you. Not everyone will accept you. Not all can see your worth. But if you have self love those negative factors that life throwing at you such as rejection. You will ignore it because you have a love for yourself you know your worth. And do you know self-love is the most important thing in a person's life?"

"Why?"

"Because you cannot be happy. And you can't love others if you can't love yourself." Isinulat n'ya 'yon.

"Bal, last." I frowned.

"Okay kalang ba? Khryz opinionated paper works na'tin ako pinapasagot mo." He pouted and shows his puppy eyes. All of the sudden Ross face flashed. 'Yong nagpuppy eyes s'ya para mapapayag akong isuot ang all over na tiger print na'yon. Dam! I miss him.

"Hey, Bal" I snapped back as my twin called me once again. 

"Ano ba 'yon?" Kumislap ang mga mata nito.

"How to be happy?" I look at Khryz after hearing his question again Ross's face appears in my mind. His smile.

"It depends on the person, Khryz. All of us should be asking that to ourselves. Ask yourself how to be happy. And the first thing that appears in your mind is the answer." I said.

"Kryp masaya ka pa ba sa ginagawa mo? Na hindi mo s'ya pinupuntahan ngayong kailangan n'ya ang suporta mo?" I smile bitterly. Automatically tears left my eyes. 

"I'm not. Walang sasaya kung pinipilit mo 'yong sarili mong gawin 'yong bagay na ayaw mo. Siguro sasabihin ng iba I should beside him right now. But it's not the right time. His family is the one who should staying beside him." One, two , three and so on. I cannot even count my tears right now.

"When is the right time?"

"I don't know. " I whispered.

******

I'm walking towards the parking lot. My class just ended. Nauna ng umalis sa 'kin sila Khryz. Mga baliw nagmamadali. Pagdating ko sa parking lot. Bigla na naman akong dinalaw ng lungkot. Naalala ko si Ross. It's been 4 months since the incident happened. I heard he went to the states to continue there his medication. I know it's not easy for him. But I know he can do it. Kinuha ko ang car key ko. When I was about to enter my car someone hit my head and it all went black.