PERFECT

A beg

"Choosing will never be easy if you are not ready to let go of something you know, you'll lose in the process...

*****

KRYP POINT OF VIEW

I took a deep sigh. Ilang beses ko ng sinubukang tawagan si Ross pero hindi n'ya sinasagot. I even tried to call his friends but they not answering too. It's been 1 week. Sobra akong kinakain ng guiltiness. I can't even sleep because I'm worried. 

"MR. KRYP GRIANDELL PERELL, IF YOU'RE NOT GOING TO FOCUS IN MY CLASS. GET OUT." Nabalik ako sa katinuan nang marinig 'yon galit na galit ang prof ko. Mabilis akong tumayo at lumabas. Sobra-sobra akong nag-aalala para kay Ross. Nababaliw ako kakaisip. Tumambay ako sa may pool area kung saan ko s'ya dinala dati. Ross kicked out from the university. How could his parents do that? 

"Kryp." Napaangat ako ng tingin it's Gen. Seryoso itong nakatingin sa 'kin.

"Gen." He seated beside me. 

"Si Ross?" Hindi ko mapigilang itanong sa kan'ya. He looks at me. His expression telling me something. It's telling me to stop. 

"Stop looking or calling him anymore." Para akong binuhusan ng malamig na tubig. Tama nga. That's why his expression was dark. 

"He's been suffering for almost 5 years. Limang taong nagmamahal sa taong hindi s'ya maalala." Napayuko ako. 

"He's been in love for five years with you. Hindi s'ya kumikibo. Nakatingin lang s'ya mula sa malayo. Until an idea came up to his mind." Napatingin ako di'to.

"No'ng nilabas mo 'yong videos n'ya. It gives him hope to be himself. Hiningi n'ya ang tulong mo as photographer to do the things he want to do. Things that can makes him happy. Yes, hindi totoong may project kami. Gusto ka lang n'yang makasama. Gusto n'ya ng pahinga. He thought ikaw ang pahinga n'ya. Which is yes. Oo, saglit nawala lahat ng sakit na nararamdam n'ya kaso after that tripleng sakit naman ang dumagdag." I bit my lowerlip. Hearing those made me feel worst. 

"Kryp. H'wag mo nang idamay 'yong sarili mo." He added. Napatingin ako sa bendang nasa braso ko. Nararamdaman ko parin ang kirot lalo na sa likod ko.

"Please, I am begging not as your senior but as a friend and also Ross's best friend. Stay away from him. Don't add his pain anymore." May kirot akong naramdaman ng marinig 'yon.

"Don't let make him see you again. Please. You have already a girlfriend don't hurt her. Pree doesn't deserve to be hurt." Uminit ang sulok ng mga mata ko. Alam kong konti nalang iiyak na naman ako. I am not a crying baby. But the pain that tugging in my heart gives me a reason to cry. He tapped my shoulder.

"Please kryp. Give Ross a break for real. And yourself too. Alam kong nahihirapan kana rin."

"Gusto kong magawa ni Ross ang 9 and 10 sa listahan n'ya. At hindi n'ya 'yon magagawa kung aaligid sa kan'ya 'yong mga nananakit sa kan'ya."

"9 and 10?" Tumango ito.

"It's something that he cannot achieve if he's in pain. So please."

"Believe me. This is the best for all of you. " Pagkasabi n'ya no'n iniwan na n'ya akong mang-isa. As he left I let go of the tears that I hide in front of him. Damn! Biglang sumagi sa utak ko ang encounter namin ni Ross dati. The way he cried that time. I'm dumb for not noticing that. He changed a lot. That day after Pree answered yes to me. I look for him but he's nowhere to be found. I tried to look for him to the whole campus but I didn't find him anymore.

Kaya pala familiar ang mga mata n'ya. Nakita ko na 'yon dati 'yong mga matang puno ng lungkot.

"I promise that day I will protect you when I saved you to from getting beaten but I failed. And now I'm part of your pain."

*****

"Kryp, hinay-hinay lang." Hindi ko pinansin ang sinabi ni Von. I invited them in Wink Bar gusto kong mag-unwind. Gusto kong makalimot.

"Malapit na birthday ni Pree. Anong plano mo?" Lee asked. Natulala ako saglit nang marinig 'yon. Parang may kung anong bagay ang bumara sa lalamunan ko.

"Diba magpropropose kana kryp? Sabi mo 'yon sa'min. "Lee said. I remember it. 

"Tapos after graduation magpapakasal na kayo. Planadong planado mo na future n'yo." Biglang sabat ni Sing. Napatingin ako kay Khryz kita ko ang awa sa mga mata n'ya. Umiling ito sa 'kin na parang he's so disappointed to me. Napayuko ako.

"H-hey, why are you crying?"

"Shorty? may nasabi ba kaming mali?"

"Hey, Perell.  Hindi kami sanay na naiyak ka." But I didn't answer their questions my mind is occupied with thoughts. To the memories that I have with Pree and Ross. I cried in front of them without any words. I drink until I passed out but I didn't even forget everything.

Nagising akong sobrang sakit ng ulo ko.

"Sh*t." Napalingon ako ng bumukas ang pinto ng kwarto ko nasa condo na ako. I'm sure si Khryz nag-uwi saakin. Lumapit ito sa pwesto ko at may dalang tasa.

"Drink this for your hangover." Agad ko namang kinuha.

"Kryp—" I cut him off. I don't want to hear it anymore. 

"I love him. I know." A familiar pain kicks in.

"As you said I'm smart. Alam ko kung anong nararamdaman ko kaso h-hindi naman madali." Pumatak na naman ang mga luha ko. Hinigpitan ko ang kapit sa tasa. 

"S-si Pree. I c-can hurt her. W-wala s'yang g-ginawa—" He cut my words.

"Bal, H'wag mong akuin lahat ng bigat. Pree trusting you so much ended you feel that you're nothing to her. You can't blame yourself for fell out love." Sinandal ko ang noo ko sa balikat n'ya.

"I want to see him, bal. I want to know if he's fine or what. B-but Gen beg to me that I should leave him alone b-because I'm j-just h-hurting h-him." Khryz tapped my back. My tears flow like a river.

"What's you plan?"

"I-i don't k-know. W-wala akong m-maisip. N-nabablangko a-ako."

"You always say that we need to be ourselves no matter what. And we should chase our happiness. Why don't you apply it to your life?." As bal said that I laugh bitterly.

"H-how? If c-choosing my happiness will hurt someone in r-return?" Hindi ito sumagot.

"I-it will never be easy."

"Life is never been easy, bal. But do you know what's the problem to us? We make everything so complicated. Our actions make our lives hard as usual it is." He said while looking at me.

I want to see how Ross smile again

I want to hear his laugh

I want to feel his warm

I want him to be happy.

But how? If on the other side...

I don't want to hurt Pree

She doesn't deserve the pain

She so good to cry

I don't want to see her cry

How funny fate f*cked my whole world. I'm f*cked up. My life is f*cked up.

"I have many choices but at the end of that choices I will lose someone I cherish in my life."