pieces | ethma

modern loneliness

emma

It was my freshman year of college when I was brutally single. You know, just broke up with my high school boyfriend, no luck with guys whatsoever.

Unlike my roommate Olivia, who found her Prince Charming on the first day here.

So there I was, no boyfriend, and a very fucked sleep schedule.

You see, I've had insomnia since I was seven years old. Going on twelve years. I was in a car accident with my mom, and I hit my head.

I haven't been able to properly sleep at night ever since.

Olivia was at her boyfriend Nate's dorm that night, so I decided to go on a walk. It was 2:30 at night, but what was the harm? Nobody is ever out that late on campus anyway. I was bored, and I had no one to talk to.

Might as well get some fresh air in the mean time, right?

I slipped a sweatshirt on, and then changed into some leggings. It gets chilly at night.

Luckily the front desk is off duty at midnight, so there wasn't anyone there when I passed through the lobby.

It wasn't too cold when I got outside, but it was just chilly enough that I was glad I changed into leggings before I left my room.

I started walking down the sidewalk, looking at all of the cars in the parking lot. A few spots were empty, and I wonder if it was because they were home for the weekend, or if they're out partying. It's 2:30 am on a Thursday, and majority people don't have classes on Friday.

But I do.

The dining center was about a ten minute walk, and even though it was closed for the night, there's a pavilion I liked to sit at across the street, and it's lights were on 24/7.

Walking down the sidewalk, there's streetlights here and there. It almost feels like reality is altered this late at night. It's silent, nobody's around, and the streetlights are the only thing awake.

Well, except for me.

I sat down at a picnic table in the pavilion, and scrolled through Instagram.

There was really nothing else to do at that point.

I don't even think it fazed me when he sat down across from me, but I did feel a little surprised to see someone else out here this late at night.

"What are you doing out this late?" I teased. He pulled out a sack lunch bag from his backpack, and set it on the table.

"I could ask the same for you, young lady."

I laughed. He looks to be my age. Definitely a college kid. He did have a University of Wisconsin-Madison sweatshirt on.

"How do you know I'm not the same age as you?" I asked.

"Are you a freshman?"

"Yeah."

"Okay, young lady," He joked, making me laugh again.

"Are you a freshman?" I asked as he started to eat a sandwich. I think it was bologna and cheese.

"Sophomore," he said. "But I transferred here from a different school this year. I technically have my associates degree, but I have to take extra classes to complete my bachelors here, so I'm a second year."

"That's cool," I told him. "Are you from Wisconsin?"

"New Jersey, actually. What about you?"

"I'm from California."

"California? Wow that's far."

"Yeah," I said. "I guess it is. I kind of wanted a break from the sun."

He chuckled. "Yeah. So, why are you out this late?"

"I couldn't sleep. My roommate is spending the night in her boyfriend's dorm, and I got bored so I took a walk. Your turn."

"This is basically my lunch time."

I looked at my phone, and it showed the time being 2:47. "At 2:47 in the morning?"

He chuckled. "Yeah. It's a long story."

"No, I get it. My sleep schedule has been fucked since I was seven."

"Seven?"

"Seven. I got into a car accident, and hit my head. Haven't been able to sleep ever since."

"You haven't slept at all?"

"No, I have. I just wake up a lot in the middle of the night, and then I can't fall back to sleep. Or I just can't sleep whatsoever."

"I was just messing with you. I get it. I haven't really slept since high school."

"I've never really met anyone else with insomnia."

"Me neither. I guess we both have someone to talk to when we can't sleep now, huh?"

I smiled. "Yeah," I said. "I didn't catch your name."

"I'm Ethan. And you are...?"

"I'm Emma."

"Nice to meet you, Emma."

I smiled again, and Ethan smiled back. "Nice to meet you too."

We sat there talking for a while, relating our insomnia experiences to each other.

Ethan developed a moderate depression as a teenager, not to mention anxiety he's had since he was just a little kid. That's what causes his insomnia.

For me it's more like my insomnia is what causes my anxiety and depression.

It's nice to meet someone that has the same struggles. He ended up walking me back to my dorm building after three hours of conversation, and we traded numbers.

I was glad because I hoped I would see him again. It wasn't even 24 hours later when he texted me asking if I was still awake.

This time we walked to a pond that was on campus, and we sat there in the grass watching the calm water as we talked.

It's one thing to have a friend that listens to you, but it's another thing when they actually understand it.

I found myself enjoying my nights more, because I was getting to hang out with Ethan instead of laying awake in my dorm.

That's how he felt too. He told me. It's one thing to be lonely, but at least we can keep each other company while doing so. While being lonely.

That's what modern loneliness is. Never being alone, but somehow always being depressed.

I'm just a few days, I've figured out that Ethan understands me better than anyone I've ever met.

I just hope it stays that way.