pieces | ethma

the story never ends (pt two)

emma

it took two months for me to realize i'd be better off without ethan, and that i shouldn't fret over someone who didn't want to be with me anyway.

he's the one who left. that isn't my fault.

is it my fault?

i don't know.

either way, i'm not sure anything would ever be the same between us again.

i thought that maybe trying to find someone new would be good for me.

i started talking to levi jorgensen. he went to the same middle school as me, and we've always been acquainted. i didn't realize he was actually pretty funny, and also kind of cute until now.

but a week in i realized it wasn't working. i still miss ethan, even though i shouldn't.

it doesn't feel like everything's okay like it always did with ethan.

so, I stopped talking to levi, and next i started talking to nick jameson.

and we became friends with benefits. it went well for the first three nights, but then i realized i wasn't doing this because i was ready to move on.

i was doing this because i was unhappy without ethan.

nick and i went our separate ways, and then i went to a huge party that weekend. jordan parker was there, and we ended up hooking up in the bathroom.

why do i keep doing this to myself? sure, it feels good, but at the end of the day when I climb into bed at the end of the day, I still miss ethan.

i'm still the loneliest i've ever felt.

sometimes i see him around at school, and i can barely even look at him. well, that's not true. i can't bring myself to make eye contact with him. but whenever he's not looking, i can't bring myself to look away.

i'm pretty sure he's twisted my words and blamed me for everything that went wrong. he's the one who left. i wanted to save us.

nothing feels wrong, but it never feels right either. it's like my heart set my mind on fire, and the one thing that could possibly put the fire out is ethan. but we're not speaking to each other.

he lives in my mind rent free. almost every night, i lay awake for hours on end, wondering what would've happened if he would've stayed.

although our relationship wasn't good for either of us anymore. maybe we are better off with out each other.

but that never stops me from missing him.

sometimes it feels like the story never ends.

maybe it never will. i don't know.

i was really drunk one friday night, and i found myself wanting to talk to ethan more than I've wanted to in over three months since we broke up. i tried falling asleep, but nothing felt right. i needed to talk to him.

his house was a ten minute walk from mine, but i didn't care. i couldn't take it anymore. i knew he wasn't happy, and i was definitely miserable.

someone needed to be the first to say we could fix us. i felt like it was my responsibility.

i ended up texting him that i was at his house, and then waited for a reply.

nothing for at least five minutes. but suddenly the front door opened, and there he was. hair wet from showering, and his usual white t-shirt and black shorts. those were his standard pajamas.

"emma, what are you doing here?"

"can we talk?"

he rolled his eyes and sighed. "about what?"

"us."

"emma, there isn't an us. there hasn't been an us for a while now."

"ethan, please? can we just talk? i know it's been a while, but i really miss you, and i wish it all didn't go down the way it did."

ethan sat down on his porch steps, folding his hands, and looking up at me. "i know. i wish it didn't either."

i sat down next to him, putting my hand in his bicep, and leaning against his shoulder.

"emma, how much alcohol have you had tonight?"

"a lot."

"okay. let's get you cleaned up, alright?"

"okay," i said. even after everything, he's still taking care of me.

he helped me upstairs and into the bathroom, and then he helped me change into a pair of his shorts and a t-shirt. then he gave me a sweatshirt too.

he helped me get settled under the covers, and he went to leave the room. i sat up, the alcohol still getting the best of my mind. "ethan?" i asked.

he turned around, his hand on the doorknob. "yeah?"

"will you stay with me?" i asked. i couldn't help it. even if we weren't gonna talk, i needed him.

ethan pauses for a minute, and then he finally walks towards his bed. "of course." he said.

something i've missed so much is the warmth of ethan laying next to me. i always felt cold without him. not to mention lonely.

at first we laid side by side, but eventually he scooted closer, and i subconsciously turned to face him.

"ethan?" i whispered.

"yeah?"

"i missed you a lot."

"i know. i missed you too."

"i wish we could forget everything."

"that's complicated," he said.

"no. that's not what i meant."

"what'd you mean?"

"i meant that i wish we could have this one night to just forget everything about the past and just be together, and tomorrow we can go back to being strangers."

"emma—"

"don't say anything. i just need you to hold me." i whispered.

"come here," ethan said, pulling me closer. his skin was warm against my cheek as i rested my face against his bare chest.

he kissed my forehead, and then i looked up at him.

he looked into my eyes, and i couldn't help but press my lips to his.

the kiss deepened as his hand went into the back of my hair. it felt like everything was going to be okay.

but at the same time, i wondered how heart broken i was gonna be the next day.

i felt like the story wasn't over, and with the way ethan kissed me back, that feeling wasn't just a feeling anymore. it was a fact.