katy | l.h

eight

I thought I'd do a double update because this is only a short chapter but I didn't want to include it in seven, and also not a lot actually happens in this as it's just a filler :( it would be cool if you could comment and vote, just so I know that you're not a ghost reader!! Hope you all have a great weekend :)

After coming back from the cinema with Luke, I decided to go straight to bed as I was pretty tired.

As I lay there, all of my thoughts suddenly consumed my mind and I found it hard to think.

I thought about Ashton, and the way in which he had treated me the other night. That wasn't the Ashton I know, he's changed, and I'm worried about him. Everything between us was so simple, it was as easy as breathing with him, yet he left without a goodbye, then comes back two years later and looks at me as if what we had never happened. What if he didn't love me? What if I was too stuck in my own self pity, and my undying love for him to notice that what he had for me was not love - but lust. Maybe I just fell for him more, while he didn't even fall. This world is a mystery, love is an illusion, people fall for each other all the time - one more than the other, but then within days, weeks, months, one swims out of what was once their ocean of lust and love, and leaves the other hopelessly suffocating.

I then thought about Luke.

He was caring, sweet, wonderful, and he makes me happy. The small things he says and does, can easily make my day. But, that's what Ashton was like when we first met. Sure, in a way, Luke and I have somewhat known each other for 2 years, but who is to say that he's just like the rest? Who knows? If I let him in enough, he might break me even more. He might take that last piece of me that's holding me together, and then I'll be left with nothing. I don't want to hurt him, but I'm also scared of getting hurt, too. Maybe we could be right for each other, though? Maybe what we start with, will last. But that's foolish, because nothing truly lasts. If things lasted forever, coffee wouldn't cool, we wouldn't grow older, cigarettes wouldn't end and the sorrow we find at the bottom of a bottle wouldn't end either, but feelings would stay the same. But the harsh reality of it, is that nothing lasts forever, and we must live with that.

So where do I go from here?

The more I thought, the more I felt like crying.

How can someone so broken, be fixed again? I long for that feeling of wholeness, but I am yet to find it.