Trapped in History

1

Jace was...in pain. A rather lot of it as a matter of fact, and there was not much that he could do about it either, which really did not help him in his endeavors at the current moment, which was him trying to focus enough to figure out what he was supposed to do, and trying to keep too much from leaking through the Ruin. Yet, he just...he could not focus on what he wanted to focus on, and he could not stop thinking about it. Given how angry his father had been, he would be lucky to manage to even be allowed out of the ropes that he was currently bound by, let alone be shown back to his cell/room that his father had taken to locking him in when he was not dealing with him in some way shape or form. 

Jace...well he was not entirely sure how much more he wanted to deal with, though wanting had never really been a part of the matter at hand. Alec had been threatened, and not just Alec but Isabelle, Clary, and even...even...Jace shook his head, he could not really think about that at the moment, that was painful, far too painful for him to dwell on, and he did not really want to think about it in the first place. Not that he had much a choice in anything as of late. His father's recent disappointment, Jace could practically taste it, and while had knew that he had made the right decision, not killing the downworlder girl, he began to wonder whether or not he was going to be able to handle much more of his father's machinations.

He was currently bound to the ceiling, ropes painfully tight round his wrists, a fact which was doubtlessly going to cause him many problems later on. If what he was thinking his father wanted him for, that specific part was something that he was definitely not going to look forwards to, especially since, while many things had changed, and wounds around his wrists were only going to make things worse not better. His dearest father's ideal of 'old fashioned healing' definitely was one thing that had not changed, despite seeming like everything else had, quite the misfortune really. The whip marks which marred his back burned painfully, and he was shivering, soaked to the bone-almost literally. His father had definitely not been pleased, and Jace would be lucky if he was not suspended in the room all night for his transgressions against the other. 

Jace did not know why he thought that it would not be so bad. he had only been living with his father for a few days, or at least that was what Valentine had said, and he already was questioning himself. Then again, perhaps Valentine was lying to him and it had been longer than a few days, a week at most is what his father had claimed, but then again not much of what his father said could be trusted. Jace wanted to scream, but he held his pain in, not wanting to give anyone the satisfaction. Inwardly, he debased himself, condemning himself for once more allowing this to happen to him. 

He had thought himself above his father's manipulations. Above the endless wondering if he was good enough, if he was ever going to be good enough. Above wanting his father's approval, wishing for his father to cast one good look upon him. He thought he was STRONG enough to manage. One thing, however, was becoming ever increasingly apparent. He was most certainly not strong enough. Despite himself, knowing the horrors his father had done, would do if Jace gave him, every time his father left him, whether that be suspended as punishment, or locked in his room-isolated and alone and injured-he felt near tears. The words his father wielded practically a sword all on its own, a separate torment. Nearly a worse one as well, given how much that Jace, despite telling himself and remind himself that he should not, longed for his father's approval. Yet he did, and that was probably yet another weakness of his. No, it was not something he thought was another weakness of his, but one he knew was another weakness. 

It was quite stupid, he knew. To want the approval of a man who would willingly aid and abet demons just to rule over the Shadow World, who experimented on people, toyed with them, and wanted more and more power. Knowing that he would never obtain such ideals that he held and that they were the ravings of a madman did little to help him feel better, and in fact it only made Jace feel stupid. Idiotic for even daring to entertain the thought of such a possibility that his father would ever be pleased with him. Shame curled around him and practically threatened to choke him from the intensity of how much he still wanted that approval and how much he desired to please Valentine despite everything. How dare he? Really...Why should he even care about these things? Why would he care? The truth was, that it was not really the question that was the problem. It was that he did care and he was worried, and he did desire for these things, for the approval of his father despite all that had been done so far. He should not care, his father had not been there in the aftermath and furthermore he had abandoned him, left him alone, faked his death and beyond that...He had done such cruel things, and he was threatening Alec.