Trapped in History

6

Jace let his fingers drift over the keys softly as he played, reminiscing. He always was thinking when he played the piano, about something and they were usually negative in nature. He told himself that he would stop playing, but he never did, and when he did he warned himself not to think about bad things that had happened at a piano bench but...well it never happened and although it was rather hard not to, he tried to stay away from the music rooms as much as possible, though that never truly worked. There was just so much about the instrument, so much anguish and pain flooded him every time he even gazed upon one, yet it was hard not to play, and when he played he thought at the same time. After all, emotion is the soul of music, and the instrument is simply the vessel for the player. Or so his father had always told him. It was one of the few things that the two could agree on. Music played without emotion will always come across as different then music played with it. Jace could hear the difference, and he could tell. Though he was never quite sure how that was, or why. 

He knew it was probably better to not even begin to play, but he simply could not help himself, his fingers had drifted over the keys and began to play before he could even really stop them from doing it. It was almost entirely unconscious on his part. He had not played the piano in such a long time, his father had always been so strict on his playing, and he had simply lost the joy for it long, long ago. It did not stop him from playing entirely, there were some instances where he still did so, such as should the Lightwoods, specifically Alec, and at times Magnus as well, request it, and on the off chance he was in the same room as the bloody instrument, but it definitely did hinder his desire for playing. The last time that he had even bothered to touch a piano...it had been several months. He was surprised that he managed to retain memories of how to play at all with how little he actively still played. Perhaps it was the lessons so ingrained within his body that he simply could not shake them. Perhaps it was his inner dread at ever forgetting anything, and yet even still the fear of messing up a key always within the back of his mind, and always ever awaiting the negatives for such a thing. He played enough to be proficient, just enough, and never more. Somewhat chilling to think that even after years outside of Valentine's influence, Jace still was so very affected but such a simple lesson.

It was not something he ever truly did a lot, playing the piano. It was difficult most of the time, to bring up the courage to play. Even innocent requests to hear his ability and skill at the instrument brought an inner fear and worry out of him. Though he could not really explain as to why that was, and it was not just those emotions which caused his lack of motivation to play. Playing brought back memories which were better left forgotten, and it definitely did the same now. Still, he played. Seemingly unable to stop himself from doing it. Having seen the piano, he was ever drawn to play it. He could not help that inner need to do it, to play something, especially on a piano like this...so alone in the middle of a cold room, dark as the moon streamed in from the windows, the only source of light, though dawn was not far from them. Even as the memories of the last few weeks flooded through him, his playing far from the warm and comfortable songs that he had been wont to play the last few years at Isabelle's requests. Or sometimes even Alec, the other wanting to hear him. It had  been a long time since he had played, and yet he could never force himself to quite let go of the piano entirely. There was always something holding him back.

It had, however, been quite a long time since he played such a dark piece. He usually played the requests of his siblings, and those were always more lighthearted. Jace had not truly played something which reflected his own emotions and inner turmoil in quite some time, too anxious of others hearing it and worrying over him. Furthermore, he got sucked into the piece, and he could not risk his siblings seeing or feeling him like that. Alec was his parabatai, and he other always knew, at least in part, his emotions. Such a thing was dangerous. 

Although, with his Parabatai dead to the world, and left meandering what little there was in his own dreams and escape from reality, Jace thought perhaps just a few minutes would not hurt. Hopefully. So he allowed the music to consume him. He drilled his sorrows and fears into this piece, allowing them to flood from him, to the keys, and out into the dark room. He poured his inner soul into the piece. A haunting masterpiece filled the room as a result. It was...cathartic in a way, and yet also not. For even as he let his pain flow into the keys that he played, he thought on them endlessly, unable to help himself. 

He stopped, the song ending...his fingers still on top of the keys, dark and sad eyes staring down at the offending white and black pieces. He could not bring himself to play another song, and yet he also could not bring himself to leave the piano. Seemingly suspended in time. It was always like this when he played, and he doubted that it would change anytime soon.

He jumped, and nearly fell when he heard the slow clapping from the door way. Wide, terror filled eyes snapped up to meet dark blue orbs across the room. One of the boys from the med bay stood in the door way, and clicked the lights on, flooding the room with a dark white light. Jace closed his eyes, only a second, before opening them, staring at the boy...waiting for one of them to say something. Neither did, both of them simply staring at the other. The dark haired boy glanced about the room and hummed to himself. He walked closer, entering the room fully, Jace's breath catching as the boy did so. 

"Never expected to hear anyone other them Jem play here. Though he is more the violinist than the pianoist." Jace did not speak in response, just gave a small, strained smile, his heart still racing in his chest. "I would have thought you would be sleeping." Jace took a deep breath. His great-great-great-something grandfather was standing right in front of him. Images of Valentine flashed through his head. The revelation of his parents true names, and Valentines insistence that Jace was his despite it.

"Could not sleep." Was all Jace said with a shrug of his shoulders. The other boy nodded watching him carefully.