MUSINGS OF A SOLIVAGANT

What's The Truth?

"Stay away from them"
Was the first thing that he said.
"Don't stay in their company"
He repeated again, shaking his head.

As if it was contagious
Mental ill health can spread, can it?

"But I was just trying to share..."
I said that aloud in my mind

My roommate tried to commit suicide
While I wasn't there
And she confessed to me out of the blue
I was scared
We never had a good bond, me and her
But I was scared of coming back
To the room to find something bad,

Something which would haunt me
At one point I was afraid
I was afraid she'd actually do it...
Take those damned pills.

But I told no one because I couldn't
Because I was afraid
And she already was undergoing counselling
That's what I told myself

An escapist lie, because I couldn't
Face the truth that this could be a possibility
That someone could try to kill themselves
Over a few months love affair?

At one point I even told she was faking it
Until a few months into my single room,
I realised what the darkness is
What it feels like staring out at the void
And crying into the night,
Sobbing all alone standing at the bridge
No, I wasn't suicidal or was I?

Am I afraid to admit it because
People would avoid me.
Because this feeling is contagious, is it?

If not, where did I find it?

And outright lemme tell you
It wasn't because of love
I'd cry for a guy but never
Die for a guy, that's for sure

But my darkness came from expectations
Expectations I wasn't able to meet
I felt like a failure and whom would I talk to?

Fast forward to 2020 and the days are boring
The days seem hollow and I
Exist like a ghost at times
Frustrated and trapped in the confines
Of a house so restrictive in traditions

Somedays we laugh and we joke,
Somedays happy things come up but
The baseline remains that of sadness,
Guilt at feeling sad for no reason,
Sadness because of the guilt,
It's a viscous cycle

And my textbooks on psychiatry don't help
Anxiety peaks and wanes,
My head is almost like a pressure cooker and yet

Somewhere amidst this
I found that hope
A faint ray straying from somewhere
And I held onto that beautiful light
Mental illness isn't contagious
But happiness is and I tried to break myself out,
To explore, to live for real,
Without the chains of doubt binding me,

And I found that positivity,
That peace of mind
That smile that lingers more on these lips

The journey was hard
I may fall again into the pit,
But for now I'm climbing towards the light
With a hope in my heart.

No I didn't stay away from them
I just ensured my brightness is enough
To seep into them and light up
Their inner fire

The fire to fight against the dark.

A/N Happy World Mental Health Day everyone and always remember, you matter! Never think of yourself as weak. Never hesitate to talk to someone! I'm here to listen if you want