Thoughts, Emotions, Change

Bittersweet Memories Dipped In Vinegar

I still think about you

My mind urges my hand to knock at your door

Poisonous brain desperate and craving for the affection and attention

Any feelings for others are just conflicting themselves into the web you strung inside me

Sometimes I wonder if it's actually love,

obsession,

or the idea of jealousy

Am I one of those psychopaths?

Just a crazy person who is on the fence about chasing you yet again?

Other times I wonder if I should try to find another

Not a replacement,

but someone better

But the real question is;

is there anyone better than you?

I know love isn't about looks,

rather about personality,

and truly you didn't lack in both departments

With your bright blue gaze and golden liquid hair,

I remember when I could run my fingers through it

Our legs intertwined,

us wrapped together in a long embrace

We didn't care about what was happening around us,

just focused on then

I didn't care

I just wanted to continue getting tangled up further in you

To drown myself in you

Like it would help me escape from the reality I faced

But then was then,

and this is now,

since time goes on no matter what we do or wish for

I repeatedly tell myself to stop thinking about you, I do

Yet it's so hard to stop

The last time I dwelled on someone it had lasted years,

and I've come to accept he's gone

He's dead though

You are not

You are breathing,

you are living,

you are not 6 foot under ground in an unvisited grave

So will there ever come a time you too no longer haunt me?

I almost want to beg for your memory to drip away,

down the shower's drain every time I attempt to wash away the presence still lingering

I've cried in hopes the tears will sooth the invisible burn you've created inside me

A hole of sorts

Maybe even my own grave I will lie in one day

A flower draped across my casket,

the petals preparing to wither from the unbearable ache

The stone marking where I'll sleep saying

"Fighting with her heart alongside her brain,

she tried to convince herself she needed you,

but the fights had been slowing and the cloudy sky cleared a little too late"

Regretfully, I know I don't need you

Despite the lies my brain concocts and the poison that wants to fuel the flames of passion left on the back burner of the stove

I know the only thing I am is wanting,

not needing

That flower we had, it was special, yes

The tons of flowers before you were just sprouts,

never nurtured properly

Surely the ones after you will grow more than we ever did,

blossoming into something just as beautiful as the thing we had

But the poison chose you

It bubbled over the pot,

cascading waves of chaos into my life

And if I return to that sinking boat,

I will drown,

leaving nothing but a presence behind in my life as well.