Thoughts, Emotions, Change

Rewind

I tell myself to just write how I feel

But to put thoughts into words isn't something I think I can do

For right now my heart is a blender, emotions and feelings stirred up into a mess of inedible mash

It smells like love, bravery, and hope, but the taste leaves a bitter sour on my tongue

Sadness, lost, and hurt are the components within

I can't remember the last time I experienced anything close to be truly happy

And looking back on it causes such pain inside

A knife to my chest, I lack the ability to breathe

Just for a moment

One brief moment

The ocean has swallowed me once again

I inhale and water floods through my lungs, collapsing and relapsing in the journey of my recovery

Once sad always sad is the motto for me

I just want to go back

To rewind the time and have you by my side once again

Books have lost all meaning to me

I used to love writing stories, the words flowing of my fingers as i put thought onto paper

But to read a sentence just fills me with hurt

I am floating, unable to reach the shore

Art, the lifeblood inside me, is empty

Drawing lines and splashing reds, blues, and oranges to create a sunrise becomes a sunset

Setting on the chapter of something great to lead on to my next chapter

2 paintings done, 1 remains unfinished

Just like how my emotions dangle on the cliff, waiting to be put into words and understood by myself

When I can't have you I wish to have him

Someone who brought such great joy to me while I was going through the awfulness

But he's out of my reach

And I promised I was done

In the end moving on was harder than I ever imagined it to be

A promise unfulfilled and a friendship wrecked along the beach