Thoughts, Emotions, Change

I Miss Him

I miss him

I miss the race track we would go to every other Friday night

The sound of the motors roaring past and how I could never get the ear plugs to work right and would end up deafened from the noise

I miss the dirt clouds kicked up as the cars went by and the cheering of not exactly strangers around us

I miss the sunny summer afternoon days we would spend at his house and in his garage

It was like another word entirely to little kid me

The smell of gasoline, oil, and grease as he and dad worked on his masterpiece of green, black, and white

22 painted on a door with checkered flag background

I miss wanting to help and desperately trying to stay longer, just a few more minutes

I miss the pain of missing him

Sleepless nights during middle school of not understanding why I was sad

Countless car rides through the neighborhood crying and screaming to my mother how I wanted to die

I miss the ability to feel that way, of missing him so deeply I couldn't function properly and it showed in everything I did

I miss the memories of him

They're long faded now, all blurry and out of focus photos from a polaroid camera

Pictures no longer look right, anything with his face not clicking with my mind

I don't recognize him

And it

It makes me sad

Memories are failing

All the fun and happy times spent with him are becoming chunks of missing space in my timeline

I can remember the details of him

But never JUST him

I miss being able to.

And at times like this I'm reminded how much of a hole it's created in me

Heart, mind, and soul

I miss him.