Ain't No Sharing You

Thursday Pt. 2

"Camille, what are you feeling right now?" Dr Childs asked after five minutes of silence.

I sat there playing with the Kleenex that was in my hand still crying because other than God I had never told anyone about that day. I was hurt, sad, humiliated.

"I feel so many things right now that I'm not sure where to start." I shrugged my shoulders.

"Just start anywhere." He urged me to tell him something.

"I'm hurt. I trusted Brandon with everything that I had. My heart, my trust. He was the first man that I felt safe with and then he just ripped that away from me. I never understood why he started hitting me and I was too scared to ask why."

Just as I finished talking Brandon walked back in the room with red eyes. I could tell he had been crying. He sat down and kept his head down, I could still hear him sniffling.

"Brandon, I take it that you weren't ready to hear the raw version of what happened that day?" He turned to him with his pen to his notepad ready to take notes.

He shook his head and looked up. "No. I mean I know I was there and I know what I did, but to hear those details in my right mind just did something to me. I love her and that wasn't love. None of the things I did to her was love."

"Brandon, before you left you mentioned your brother. What's the connection?"

He blew out a breath and stared at me for a second.

"Camille. When she first started coming to the church Will was pretty fascinated with her. He tried to get with her, but she wouldn't go for it. When he first found out we were dating we got into a fight because he felt like I took Camille from him."

"What?" I asked looking at him. "We hung out in groups and he never even asked me out. I thought he was my friend until I started dating Brandon and then it was like he'd have these mood swings with me. One minute he loved me the next he hated me."

"I talked to him and after that it was like he hated her. They couldn't be in the same room together without arguing or he'd insult her. I thought everything was ok because he had gotten with Ashleigh."

"So what did Will do that triggered your abuse towards Camille?"

"It started with remarks about her being disrespectful or disobedient. He told me that she didn't really love me and that I was 'too soft and no woman wants a soft ass man'. I tried to shrug it off, but then I thought back to my parents and how my dad would hit my mom. She never left him. It didn't matter what he did or said she stayed."

"So you thought that you could abuse her into being who or what you wanted her?"

"I thought I could make her love me."

"I did love you, Brandon. Even after you humiliated me, beat and raped me I never left. I kept hoping that you would change and you would love me the way that you did when we first got married." I cried.

"I let him get in my head. My mom stayed with my father and he was worse than me. It seemed like-never mind."

"No. Go ahead and say it. That's why we're here, Brandon."

He paused and looked at me before looking away. "It seemed like the more he beat her the more she loved him."

"Brandon, how much more could I have loved you? Huh?" I asked. "Even when I didn't love myself because of what you did to me I still managed to love you."

"I'm sorry, Camille. I know I can't take it back anything that I've done, but I apologize."

"Do you accept his apology?" Dr. Childs asked when I didn't respond.

"Sorry doesn't cut it with me anymore. I can't even trust him anymore."

"Talk to Brandon, Camille."

"I don't trust you." I said shaking my head. "How many times have you said you were sorry? Huh?"

"A lot. Too many to count."

"And then you'd do it again. Why? Even with your parents and Will getting in your head why did you beat me?"

"Because I knew you would stay." He said low, but I heard him.

"Did you ever love me?"

"Camille, I-"

"Yes or no, Brandon?!" I was tired of the emotional merry go round.

"Yes, Camille. I loved you. I still do."

"Ok. Unfortunately, we have to end here. I understand that you think you may be at the end of your marriage, but from what I'm hearing you may be able to work it out if you want to explore that option. It's a matter or rebuilding trust and rebuilding yourselves. Two incomplete people can't maintain a whole marriage. There were some raw emotions pulled out here today. It's up to you to decide what you want to do."

I walked out after his speech not waiting for Brandon to follow. I felt a weight lifted off of me, but I still didn't feel free. I sat in my car crying with my head on the steering wheel. I wiped my eyes and started my car. It was on the local gospel radio station and Xavier's spot was on.

"Forgiveness. It's for you, not the other person. See, you're hurting, staying up all night and stressing, but guess what? The other person is sleeping well at night, living their life. Why do you continue to carry the heavy weight?"

I shut the radio off and laid my head back on the headrest crying once again. I took my hands and put them over my eyes when there was a knock on my window. I looked over to see Brandon standing there. I closed my eyes and shook my head resting my head on the steering wheel.

"Open the door, Cam." He said knocking on the window. "You can't drive like that. Open the door."

I guess in all of my smartness I didn't lock my doors and he pulled the handle opening the door. I didn't move, he went to grab my hand and pulled me out of the car. Immediately he put his arms around me hugging me tightly. I didn't hug him back, but tried to pull from his embrace.

"I'm sorry, Cam. I was wrong. I hurt you and I'm sorry." He kissed my head and turned us so that his back was against the car. I broke down collapsing, pulling us to the ground with his back against my car.

I didn't want to carry the extra weight that I was carrying. I knew that in order to completely free myself I had to forgive. Holding on to what he did was only hurting me. I didn't know where we were going in that moment, but I did know that I had been hurt enough. I'd been hurt too much and I refused to inflict more pain on myself.

"I-I, I forgive you."

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Okay, we're making progress, loves. I'm glad Camille is making progress. Forgiveness is a huge step in healing hurts. Stop letting people live in your head rent free. Don't forget to let me know how you're feeling. Thanks for reading. :-)

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