lover boy // jonny goodman

23 . goodbye

Jonny Goodman was feeling on edge. He had been for over a week, since his Grandma's almost wedding. The feeling of being in the ambulance, thinking his Grandma was about to die had not removed itself from his chest, the uneasy panic of losing the people you love. He had never really lost anyone before. He couldn't remember his Grandad Sydney and Martin's father died before he was born; ex girlfriends he didn't care about and he had all the same friends from Primary and high school. 

Now, all of the freak out feelings he had been holding down for so long were begging to explode from his body. He didn't want to risk losing people, he didn't want to care about more people than he had to that could be risky to hurt him. He felt nervous and unsure about everything he was doing, but tried to stay calm. He hated being hurt and couldn't imagine losing everybody he loved at some point in the future. 

Sitting on the couch with a glass of wine, the lights off and a hand in his messy hair. He sighed heavily. Sad music blasted through the speakers Alice had bought him for his last birthday, they were such good quality. He barely even registered the sound of the door open. 

"Jonny! Hiya." Her ginger head popped around the door frame but her eyes narrowed. "Why are you in the dark?" 

He shrugged rather than replying. 

"You okay?" 

"Hmmm." 

Alice shrugged off his quietness, thinking he must feel sick or something. Instead of dwelling on it, she began to make a stir fry, singing to his music even if it was a bit sad while she did so. So, they sat at the table eating in silence but she had a smile on her face like she so often did. 

"Ooo, I need to discuss something with you." She said with a smile. "My landlord messaged me before." 

"Right, is there an issue with something?" He asked, his curiosity piping up. 

She shook her head. "My lease ends in five months, I'd forgotten it was so soon." 

"Oh really, what are you thinking of doing then?" 

The girl couldn't help smiling widely, excitement taking over her. "I was wondering if maybe, you'd thought about moving in together?" 

"Erm, no I've never really thought about it." He spoke slowly, his breathing increasing as wild thoughts and panic entered his mind. 

"Well, we already stay together basically every night anyway so I was just thinking it could be really nice. Maybe it's time." 

"Time!" He shook his head, pushing his plate forwards and standing up. "Alice, it's too soon! Living together. What do you wanna force me into marriage and kids right now too." 

"Too soon?" She gasped, standing up to match him. "Jonny we've been together for two years. It's just moving in, I thought you were over all of your...commitment issues."

"Don't tell me I have issues!" He shouted, moving further away from the table. His mind was a wreck, thoughts moving all over the place. 

Jonny had never lived with anybody before and surely that meant everything more serious would grow from there. Or, they would discover things they hate about each other, like the way he got hair all over the sink when he shaved his face or the way she sung in the shower no matter what time of day or night it was. In his head he was only seeing two options, either he loses her for good or he has to properly grow up. 

He felt ready for neither. 

"Jonny, I don't understand what's wrong." She said in confusion, her eyes wide as tears fell out of them and her face getting redder by the minute. Seeing the distress he always seemed to cause her, made him feel as if his heart was being ripped out. She didn't deserve that. "I love you." 

"Don't say that." He shook his head, his voice caught in his throat and he began to feel emotional. 

He just didn't know how to feel; loving Alice with all of his heart but not knowing if he was ready for all the things she wanted, he always felt so much pressure. Wanting to give her the world but not knowing if he could. His stress and sudden nerves about getting hurt were clouding his mind, he was only going to push her away anyway. "I...I can't do this, I can't do what you want me to do."

"I just want you." She said as she sobbed quietly. "You're all I've ever wanted."

Putting his hands on his head, he tried to stop the liquid that was threatening to release from his eyes. "I need time. I need to be alone."

"What?" She asked loudly. "Are you breaking up with me?" 

"Goodbye Alice." 

A sound he had never made before left his mouth as he walked out the door and a matching one came from Alice as it slammed harshly. That night, surrounded in heartbreak, she cried harder than she had for a long time. 

Double Update to break your heart xoxo