Evan Hansen x (Female) Reader

i

Connor's POV

I  still couldn't believe it. I couldn't wrap my head around the fact that I was watching my own fucking wake.  I still feel guilty about what happened, and the way it happened. I  hated  how I brought my sister that much pain. I just wanted  my family to be happy. I'm sorry, Y/N. I didn't mean  to hurt you. I can see her, right now. She's trying not to cry, I can see it in her face. But I know  her. What really surprised me  was how she stood up to our grandparents. And she was right, I would've done the same for her. And Zoe. Speaking of which, I'm still pissed she wouldn't come to my wake. I know she hated me, but damn. Why couldn't she at least pay me that little bit of respect? I watched as Cynthia guided  Evan over to my casket. He looks like he wants to say something. He knows he should say something, but he won't. Maybe because he's standing next to N/N .(nickname) Maybe he doesn't want to embarrass himself in front of her. Maybe he thinks she'll tell Zoe, and he'll never get a shot with her. It'll serve him right though. Wait, what's Cynthia saying?  

"We would love to have you over for dinner sometime" she says. "We have so many questions about ...." She pauses, clearly having trouble speaking. "Everything. We want to know about you and Conner. Your friendship. We would be so so so grateful if you could find a free night to spend time with us." She pauses, and smiles at Y/N. "Wouldn't we, Y/N." Y/N gives her and Evan a weird look. 

"So grateful." She says sarcastically. 

'Evan and Conner's friendship'? What the hell is  she talking about ? Is this about that letter? Crap. Y/N knows it wasn't me who wrote that, right? Of course she does, she's my sister. Still, I can't tell if her sarcasm is because she knows he's lying, or because she just doesn't want him over in the house. I really hope she knows that its not me who wrote that letter. Well, I wrote the first letter, but that was the letter I addressed to Y/N. I never wrote a letter to Evan Hansen. I dont even know what the hell he's doing here. This Evan kid is a major asshole. First, he tries to torment me and cause me to blow up at him, and then he  tries to mess with my family? What the hell. And he was hanging around Jared Kleinman, who was picking on my sister. That assholes lucky I didn't snap his fucking neck. I watched as  Evan tried to walk away, but he almost bumped into Zoe. Wait, what? I thought she said she wasn't going to go.

"What are you doing here?" she  said, somewhat bitterly. Wow, I didn't expect her to actually come. I thought she hated me. Evan apologizes, about me, to which she nods in return and walks away, and Evan does the same. 

"Zoe!" Y/N says. She goes over and hugs her. "I'm so happy you came!" Y/N says. 

"I'm sorry I said I wouldn't come N/N." Zoe says. 

Oh I get it. Zoe came for Y/N, not me.

 Well, at least she came. The truth is, I actually really liked Zoe, but we were always in conflict, and as we all know, I'm not good with conflict. I guess we just stopped talking. In all honesty, I miss seeing my sisters everyday. I notice Evan watching them. "What the hell are you staring at?" I want to say. But I don't. I can't speak. I'm a ghost. 

Damn.

 Eventually, he leaves them alone. He's kind of a creep if you ask me. I mean seriously, what the fuck?

"Its okay Zoe. You're here now, and that's all that matters." Y/N says. I notice Mrs G.'s here too, and she just happens to be watching my sisters. I didn't know Mrs G. actually gave a shit, but I guess she did. 

When I was in second grade, we had  these jobs, and Mrs. G would  put our names on each slip of paper that had our jobs on them, nurse helper, class botanist, librarian, etc. But there was only one that matters. Line leader. It was the most important thing a second grader could do in their little kid life. I think I found it so cool because of the feeling of being in control. One day, I was just one spot away from line leader, so that meant I would be line leader the next day, since Mrs. G rotated or names one spot over everyday. The next day, I came to school  all dressed up, ready to lead the line. But the class was lining up behind some other kid. Mrs. G was a no nonsense type, so when I tried to tell her I was skipped, she didn't want to hear it. "I was skipped!" I tried to tell her. 

"Connor, I don't want to hear it, now find your place in line." 

"No. Its not fair."  

"I won't tell you again Connor." 

''But I'm supposed to be line leader!"

I remember feeling the hot tears start to form. I was so upset, I grabbed the first thing I could- which I guess was a printer- and threw it. And that where  the story ends, right? Thats where it should end, according to everyone else. But it doesn't. Mrs G. ended up giving  me a pad of paper, and said whenever I had a problem or a question, I could put it in a jar on her desk. All I had to do was be patient, and she would  answer me when the time was right. But that part of the story was like a joke lost in translation. It disappeared. Not even Y/N knows what truly  happened, I think. But that part of the story needs to be resurfaced.  I was not the villain, and Mrs. G was not the victim. We both made a mistake. And that needs to be corrected.