Until you call again. (Complete)

Lose you to love me.

I'm not perfect. But one other thing I'm not is selfish.

I can talk about how I need to focus on my own wellbeing and happiness, which I do - very much so. Especially after everything that I've been through.

But I know for a fact that I will not feel good about myself knowing that at his lowest moment in his life, Tristan needed me and I turned my back on him. I will not sleep better at night knowing he's suffering and I'm not there to help him. Call me a dumb idiot but that's just what it is.

Luke told me I needed to figure out what I wanted, which is true. He also said that he's not going to wait around for that to happen, which is fair.

My heart is broken, because I really do love him. I genuinely do feel that I'll never meet anyone quite like him ever again. I told him I hope that we reconnect again in the future but I won't expect him to wait around for me. I know he's been ready for a while to be serious with someone. He wants to get married and he wants kids, something that I want too. But not anytime soon.

He's right, I have things that I need to figure out. This is beyond just Tristan. I have a lot of things to work through before I can commit myself to someone else. I need to work on loving myself before I love someone else.

I certainly don't want to bring kids in this world in my current state of mind, I'd be a terrible mother. I thought a lot about this and after days of crying and sulking about my break up with Luke, I think I'm ok. Maybe not great, but I'm getting there.

Tristan was rushed into the hospital after Luke had punched him the day of the wedding. I told Luke I was going to the hospital with them, he wasn't happy but he let me.

Meghan didn't want me to come with in the ambulance and I ended up ubering there. I'd waited to see him for hours in the waiting room because again, Meghan didn't want me to see him.

I was then summoned into his hospital room by his doctor because he'd demanded to see me, against Meghan's best wishes. I'd happily obliged then I went into the room to see him with the biggest black eye I'd ever seen.

I'd laughed at him of course and he pretended to be sad until he ended up laughing with me too.

We were then left alone in the room and I got on his bed to cuddle him.

"Well that was fun," he'd said sarcastically as I laid my head on the crook of his neck.

"Literally the best day ever." I'd responded as we continued on just laying there.

It was like my friend was back, my real friend. The one who'd cancel his date with a girl he liked because I didn't get the grade I wanted on a test. The one who would take me away every time I was sad and missed my parents. That friend.

It's no secret that he hasn't been himself the past couple of years, and neither have I in a way. So it was like we both lost ourselves, and because of that, we lost each other.

After our little moment, I left the hospital to give him time with Meghan, but also because I too had someone waiting for me.

When I got to his house, where I'd started living in, I found him sitting by the couch and staring out the window in deep thought.

"Why do you let him do this to you?" He'd started softly. I knew what he was referring to, but it was different this time. I think Tristan needed the knockout to get back on his feet. I didn't try to explain that though, I instead let him get his frustration out so,

"He plays you like a dumb puppet and you let him."

Ouch.

His voice was getting deeper and louder. He was angry, so I let him continue,

"When are you gonna learn? He uses you! He doesn't care about you. You're just a person he calls whenever he feels but also discards whenever he wants."

I'd then realized in that moment that he actually had no clue. That's not even his fault, it's mine. When you only tell someone about the bad, they assume there was no good.

But good there was, a lot of it. More that than the bad.

When I'd met Luke, my relationship with Tristan was at odds. I never even uttered a word of him until he showed up again in my life. And because of that, he doesn't really know the depth of our relationship. He doesn't know half of the things Tristan and I have been through together. No one does.

I'd been so frustrated with Tristan and angry that I only kept recalling the bad moments and the bad things he'd done.

Luke is not a bad person. He was just a caring boyfriend who loved his girlfriend and wanted her to be happy. And happy she was.

He's brought nothing but joy and laughter into my life. But something was missing, maybe I needed to bring my own joy first. To be my own happiness first.

Maybe he started off as a distraction that became more than that, but the things that I was distracting myself from resurfaced.

He was a replacement. I guess I needed to put someone in the space that Tristan was, to fill that void. He was the perfect candidate.

But I'm now realizing that all I needed was to put myself in that space.

We'd slept that night after he'd told me off. He was facing one side and I was facing the other. It went on like that for days until we finally addressed it and he decided to break up with me.

"I'll give you two weeks to find another place." He'd said to me. That was so sweet.

I don't have anywhere to go because I sold my house. That's not his problem though and he could've chosen to kick me out then and there but he didn't.

He went and stayed at one of his many other houses while I stayed here for a while.

He's incredible. But just because someone is incredible doesn't mean I need to be with them.

He's going to make an amazing husband to a very lucky lady someday and an even greater father to a bunch of beautiful looking kids.

I genuinely wish him all the best in his life.

I sit on the couch after pouring myself a glass of white wine. I take a breath and look around the beautiful house I'd been staying in for the past couple of months. It's been great.

I've finally managed to finish packing. It literally took me the whole two weeks I was given. I'm still not quite sure where I'm moving but I'll figure it out.

I also don't know what the next step in my life is right now but that excites me more than it scares me.