Until you call again. (Complete)

Complicated.

I never really saw Jake as anything other than a boss and a good lay. He has been there for me more than a few times and I guess some sort of a connection formed as a result. Annoying as he is, I know I'm able to count on him. Now especially since I don't really have anyone else in my life. Luke and I still haven't reached that point yet and who even knows where Katie is? Maybe what formed was some sort of a friendship, a friendship with some added benefits. But why is my heart heavy when he tells me he's seeing someone? Why don't I hug and congratulate him instead of just saying, "Oh"?

"Yea," he replies simply to me and we just stand there awkwardly for a while. I think he feels it too, the heaviness. He looks like he wants to apologize to me but also, he looks like he wants to tell me he doesn't owe me an explanation. Which he doesn't. We're not anything to each other.

"So... who is she?" I ask trying really hard to not give a fake smile. I'm still not sure how I feel about this and my expressions are probably all over the place right now.

It's weird because I don't really like him like that. I've never really pictured myself with him, not like that anyways. He was, and has always been just a good fuck. He rocked my world in bed and that was it, but maybe that's what's causing the strain in my chest. Him being in a relationship means I can't call him late at night for a good release. I don't think the girl is going to be happy with me calling her man in the middle of the night for a quickie.

So yes, that is the reason. His manhood is now taken and it means I can't have it anymore. I choose to settle with that conclusion as I look at him to give me an answer to my question. He seems to be lost in thought, but he comes back to reality once he sees me staring.

"D'you know Katie?" Of course I know Katie, she's my friend. At least I thought she was. I didn't even know she was into him. She was always telling me to 'jump on that wagon' that I'm shocked she'd gone ahead and jumped on it herself. I'm not mad, I just find the whole thing confusing.

He knows I know Katie, we literally work in the same office, so he must know my answer because, "Her friend Amanda," he says to me not waiting for me to answer.

Oh.

I haven't seen Katie outside of the office in a while because I'd been going out with Luke. I knew she didn't mind because she had too many other friends to hang out with.
We're still friends though, I think. We don't talk much but we still catch up whenever we see each other at the office.

She knows all about my recent outings with a certain blast from my past. She knows because I told her, we're friends right?

Is it weird for me to expect her to tell me something like that? Something in relation to the boy she'd accused me of liking for so long?

And not even because I slept with him but because we're friends and friends tell each other things right?

Maybe she thought she didn't have to as I'd told her more than a few times I wasn't into him. Which I'm not. Plus she doesn't really know that we've been spending most nights together, we don't tell anyone about that.

I know she sensed something happened that night when he'd taken me home though. I never said anything but I could tell she figured. The boy had a reputation anyways.

The whole thing is just confusing to me so, "I should go work," I decide to say to him already making my way out of his office, he just nods and says nothing. Why am I not surprised at that?

I have a seat as soon as I get to my desk and I unconsciously let my mind run wild again. I hate that this is even an issue. Why can't I just be like other girls who don't go around catching feelings when they sleep with guys? Why do I always have to catch feelings? Are these even feelings?

Uggghhhh!!

I mean apart from the fact that he's really good looking and he's a god in bed, there isn't much. It can't be feelings I decide. We don't talk aside from work related things. He comes to my place, or I go to his. We do a quickie then we're off.

It takes me a while but eventually I get over it. I have too much work to do and I don't have time to be obsessing over my boss. I then continue on with my work but I soon find myself getting lost in thought again.

Luke is coming back in a few days and I'm really excited. It's been weird going straight home after work the past couple of days. I did look forward to our nightly excursions, he's a great entertainer.

I'm still not sure how I feel about him. I like that I don't even have to think about it with him. He's such a fun and vibrant person to be around. I think I'll be ok if he ends up friend-zoning me.

Soon it's lunch break and I make my way to the break room where the one and only Katie is seated having lunch with our other colleagues. I hug her and say hello to everyone else then join them in eating.

We talk about mindless and unimportant things for a full hour as we enjoy our meals.

Soon the others pick their food packages up to go back to work and I'm left sitting with the girl for a while.

"I feel like I haven't seen you in a while. What have you been up to?" I ask her as we continued on chatting. I don't want to be direct but I'm hoping she just says something before I reach my conclusion. I'm hoping she tells me about Jake and her friend before I decide to stop calling her my F word.

This all feels so high school and childish but I don't like people messing around with me.

As expected, she doesn't say anything.

"Oh you know, this and that." She instead chooses to say, disappointing me. I make my way back to my desk after eating with the girl that I used to hang out with.

Now as I sit in my car on my way home this afternoon, I'm mad at my mind because it just won't stop about this.

Jake doesn't judge me. He's a crappy person but I always feel like I can be myself around him, unfiltered. He doesn't ask questions and so I never have to lie to him. We have an odd relationship but it works. I don't necessarily want to date him but I hate the thought of him being with someone else. I hate that we won't have our situationship anymore.

I feel myself smile as I drive into my apartment building. I did it again, I stopped denying my feelings and rather let them show.

My heart and my head are a lot calmer now as I make my way into my home.

Emotions are very complicated things. I'm an emotional mess right now but I'm working through it.