Design of the Heart

28

I sighed, preparing myself to open up the part of my past I had worked so hard to burry, "A few years ago some friends and I all convinced our parents to let us go to the fashion show in Paris by ourselves.  We went out about a week before the fashion show was supposed to take place.  At the time no one outside of my immediate friends and family knew that I was lesbian.  I was dating a girl named Olivia.  Olivia and I had grown up together our whole lives.  She was my best friend from the start and she was the first person I told that I liked girls.  We went on being friends for a bit and then she told me that she too had feelings for girls too, but more specifically she had feelings for me.  Shortly after that we started dating.  We told my parents and our friends right away because we didn't want to hide things from them any longer, they were super happy for us and promised to keep our secret until we were ready to tell everyone else.  We didn't tell her family because she knew that they would not be supportive.  We were 16 at the time so we decided to wait until she was 18 and could legally make her own decisions.  When we went on the trip to Paris with our friends we were all out one night and Olivia and I wanted some time alone to go on a date.  Everyone else agreed to cover for us if her parents called.  That night we were out and the taxi we were in got into a car accident.  We both ended up in the hospital.  I had a concussion, two cracked ribs and a dislocated shoulder.  Olivia ended up with a concussion and three bruised ribs.  Because we ended up in the hospital they had to call both of our parents.  They arrived together and were both very glad to see that we weren't in that bad of shape.  They then started asking questions about why we had left our friends, where we were going, and other stuff.  Long story short they ended up finding out that Olivia and I were dating.  Her parents immediately changed and got upset.  They stayed the rest of the trip and forbid Olivia from seeing me or anyone else that trip.  After we got back from the trip I was hoping that things would calm down and we could go back to how we used to be, but instead Olivia's parents decided to move across the country.  Before leaving they came over to the house and called my parents and myself some undesirable names and told us to never try talking to them about anything other than business again.  I stopped talking to everyone and fell into a deep dark hole of self-deprecation.  I took myself out of the eye of the media and did everything I could to stay away from all cameras.  Eventually my friends all stopped reaching out and I was truly alone.  I started sneaking out and going to parties in the middle of the night.  Sometimes I wouldn't return for a few days.  I was so heavily into drinking and drugs that I quit caring about everyone in my life including myself.  The last time I came home it had been 4 days since I had talked to any of them, and they told me that I was no longer aloud to leave the house.  They even hire bodyguards who would switch off and their only job was to not let me out of their sight.  They were with me every hour of everyday.  Shortly after I began going through withdrawals and became violent.  However, I was not violent with them, I was violent with myself.  I did everything from slamming my head into walls, to throwing myself down the stairs, hitting myself and other things until my hands were bleeding.  They would have to hold me down to get me to stop.  This went on until one day when I attempted to kill myself.  I went into the bathroom and tried hanging myself.  The guard on duty that day figured out what I was doing and broke down my door trying to get in.  He picked me up so that I was no longer hanging and told my parents.  After that I was put into a mental hospital for a while and had to start going to therapy.  After I was well enough to leave I came home.  To this day I still suffer from depression and I still go to therapy.  I began consuming myself with work instead.  I would go all day without eating or sleeping.  I would be at the office for days at a time.  Everyone outside of the family just thought that I had been working the whole time and these were ideas I had come up with in the past.  No one could get me to take a break, eat, or do anything but work.  To the public it didn't look like anything was wrong because I did everything I could to keep everything offline.  I even started posting pictures with other people just so that they wouldn't ask questions.  Josh was my only friend who stuck with me through it all.  Of course he was upset and disappointed with me, but he never gave up and in the end he was the only one left standing.  At the time I didn't see it, but after a while I realized it and he became the only thing that was keeping me going.  However, even he didn't have the power to make me take care of myself.  Eventually I found what I considered to be a happy medium because I was doing just enough to where my family wouldn't harp on me or worry, yet I was still not taking care of myself.  This summer my therapist could see that I was going back down that same path because I had quit eating regularly again and was working 20 hours a day and only sleeping for 2 or 3 hours a night before getting up and going again.  He forced me to go on a vacation.  I decided to go to a place that was small in hopes that no one would find me and I could spend the whole summer doing nothing.  The first night I was there you came up and there was something about you that made me want to get to know you.  You intrigued me and for the first time I felt like there was something worth putting time into besides designing.  I still didn't want anyone to know I was there, which is why when your friends recognized me I freaked out.  However, as the summer went on and I got to know you better I began forgetting about everything that was keeping me down.  I stopped caring about being in the media and only cared about getting to know you.  It scared the crap out of me because the last time I felt this way everything blew up in my face, so I decided to try and throw myself back into work.  That is why when she called I convinced her to let me work on a clothing line, but I knew the only way I was going to be able to do that was to involve her and my sisters.  After she agreed I started designing right away.  I didn't plan on doing anything else until my sisters got there.  But then you came over and somehow convinced me to not only stop and take a break but also to eat.  It was all so new to me because before I didn't have a problem with telling people no or just ignoring them until the finally left.  But I just couldn't with you, I felt like I needed to stop and listen and give you the attention you deserved.  Since then I have wanted nothing more than to protect you and make you happy.  Not only are you the reason I want to live now, but you are the reason I take care of myself again, and the reason I called my old friends back.  Ashley, Kimber, and Katie were the other three friends that were with me on that trip to Paris.  I never would have called them back if it wasn't for you.  You have helped me in so many ways and didn't even know you were doing it.  For that I literally owe you my life, and I will spend the rest of my life or as long as you let me trying to repay you."

Jossilyn sat stunned for a few minutes.  I didn't want to rush her to say anything so we just sat in silence for a while.  Eventually she let a single tear fall from her left eye and she jumped on me enveloping me in a hug that was so tight I couldn't breathe.  She started sobbing into my shoulder and I held her.  I showed no emotion the whole time.  I held her until she quit crying and was ready to talk.

"Anna,"

"Yes, love", I said wiping the tears from her eyes.

"I am so sorry you went through that, I had no idea."

"That's because I hid it from literally everyone that I could, but I just couldn't hide it from you anymore.  I felt like you not only deserved to know the truth, but for the first time ever I actually wanted to tell someone the truth."

"I love you, Anna, and I promise that I will never purposely hurt you or let anyone take me away from you.  You are so strong and one of a kind, I do not deserve you.  I will spend the rest of my life or as long as you let me caring for you and your well-being."

"I love you too, Jossilyn.  Thank you for being you.", I said letting a few tears escape.

"I'll be me as long as you keep being you.", she said wiping my tears and leaning in for a kiss.

The rest of the night we just laid in silence in my bed until we both fell asleep.