A Year Without Snow

-38-

Saturday, 5th December 2015

When I woke up the morning following my first party in the Barrinel I barely remembered anything, except probably the most important part, or awkward part.

When I arose from the bed I couldn't help but have this feeling of regret growing in my chest. I felt guilty and ashamed. Firstly, had I really had my first kiss while I was drunk? That was definitely something I hadn't fantasized about. Secondly, had I had my first kiss with someone I wasn't so sure I liked? And that made me think twice about my feelings. I was almost sure I fancied Jack, in some way, at least. We had been friends since first grade, just like Bryson. He had always been nothing but friendly to me. Plus he liked me, and it felt great to have someone appreciate you for who you are.

In the midst of all of my doubts, I just had one big concern- that no one would find out. Especially my next-door neighbor who didn't exactly appreciate the guy.

I went downstairs and saw my grandma filling the waffle maker singing along to a song that was playing on her small old radio. I had offered to buy her a new radio many times, but she always said that it was the last Christmas present her mother had given, insisting to keep it while it worked.

I sat down on the counter and she turned around.

"Oh, honey I didn't see you come in." As she walked over to me and kissed my forehead.

"Hi," I said as I scrolled through my news feed.

"You feeling good? You look very pale." She said holding my face in her hands.

"Yes, grandma. Just ate something bad yesterday."

"Was it in Bryson's? You guys eat awfully bad there. Processed and fast food... God only knows..." She trailed on while preparing my breakfast. "I ran into Angelina in the driveway the other day and we were just talking about that. And how good it is that you guys keep that friendship for so many years now. It's a beautiful thing, honey."

"Yeah..." I answered as I received a text on my phone. It was from Scarlet saying she didn't even get to see me last night and asking me where I had been.

"It's very rare for friendships to last from kindergarten to high school." She added.

"We didn't go to kindergarten together," I answered while typing a message for Scar saying that I had spent the night with Jack.

"No? I thought- oh, that's right! You started first grade here. You were so nervous," She said as she put a plate of waffles in front of me.

"Well, I'm going to watch Dr. Phill. Are you sure you are okay, honey?" She asked while putting a hand on my cheek.

I tried to give her my best fake smile and replied, "I'm all good, grandma, don't worry."

She gave me a weak smile and said before turning away, "I'll always worry."

As soon as my grandma left the kitchen I received a call from Scar.

Without even saying hello she shouted in my ear, "You made out with Jack!?"

"Scar-"

"I never thought you actually liked him!"

"Who told you?" I asked as I grabbed the plate and made my way to my room.

"Carson. But that doesn't matter! What matters is that you like Jack and you didn't tell me!"

"I never said I liked him. How the hell did Carson know?" I asked as I sat in my bed, putting my plate of waffles next to me. My heartbeat was beginning to fasten.

"I think Jack told him. But what do you mean you're not sure you like him?"

"I'm not sure..." I said exultantly thinking about why Jack would tell Carson.

"C'mon, Daisy, I know you. You're not the kind of girl who would make out with someone without being into them. I am."

"I guess I kinda like him."

"I knew it! You should have said it earlier. I always thought you liked someone else." She answered.

"Who?"

"The Pope, you clueless bitch." She answered drily, "Anyway, what comes next? Has he texted you yet?"

"No! Is he gonna!?" I asked scaredly. Good lord, I hope he doesn't, I thought to myself.

"I mean, probably. At least that's the unspoken rule. Besides the guy is crazy about you, he will say something."

"Great..." I said uncertainly.

"Anyway! Tell me all the juicy details!" She exclaimed, "Is he a good kisser?"

"Look, Scar, I promised my grandma I would help her do the laundry, I'll talk to you later," I lied and she gave an upset response before hanging up.

By the time I hung up the call I was feeling sick to my stomach. I convinced myself it was the alcohol, but the truth was that every time I thought of last night's kiss I felt nauseous.

I called Bryson to see if he wanted to do something but it went straight to voicemail, so I decided the best plan for that Saturday would be to wrap myself in comfortable blankets and sleep my worries away.

I was woken up at eight with my grandmother calling me for diner, after eating about three bites I excused myself from the table, which my mother didn't appreciate.

"Daisy! You're going to eat what's on your plate. Your grandma tells me you didn't even have lunch." She said looking sternly at me.

Mom was now working as a nurse at Oak Hollow's General Hospital, after only an year she had been promoted to Head Nurse due to her efficiency and praisable work ethic. I was happy for her even though I didn't like to admit it. And I could tell she was happy. She wasn't as stern with me as she used to be, not that she was exactly soft, but that's something Laura would never be.

"Mom, I've been sick all day, I'm not going to force food down my throat just to throw up."

"You're sick!? You went out last night. Did you drink alcohol Daisy Ryland?" She asked me putting down her fork. My mother had changed completely in the last few years. She now wore her hair short and blonde and had put on some healthy weight.

"No, mom!" I said more loudly than intended.

"Daisy!"

"I just ate too much at Bryson's." Lowering my tone as my grandma gave me a worried look. "Can I please go to my room?" I said looking at my grandma.

"Go right ahead, honey." My grandma answered and I stood up.

That night I called Bryson multiple times but he didn't answer.

I decided to watch one of my favorite movies to lighten my mood, and so I put on Moulin Rouge. But it only made matters worse because it got me thinking about what was the true essence of love and of romance. The greatest thing you'll ever learn is to love and be loved in return. Was romance supposed to be like it was for Christian, the main character who experiences love at first sight, or like Satine who took her time to fall in love. Either way, I was sure that that drunken kiss from last night was far from being love. At least for me.

It would take me a few years to learn about the true essence of love. Or maybe I would never learn it completely. Maybe love is an ever-growing feeling that we'll never fully understand.

And in that moment I knew I didn't.