⚠︎︎TRIGGER WARNING⚠︎︎ ⚠︎Panic attack, mention of abuse and r*pe, conversation on self-harm scars, slight angst⚠︎︎ ☁︎︎
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☁︎︎ October 2009
"Good morning Y/n, how do you feel?" Hotch asked as you sat down opposite him.
"Great" you lied, causing Hotch to raise his eyes brows at you. "I'm fine."
Hotch still didn't believe you, yet he kept quiet and waited for you to come clean. "I'm not great... I mean I'm not going insane, but I do need to go back to work" you admitted finally caving in.
"I don't think you should come back to work until you're ready" Hotch sighed.
"I am ready" you smiled.
"I don't think you are... Reid mentioned how you still get nightmares." Hotch pointed out.
"Sir, I've been having nightmares since I was a child, they never stopped, just because they're slightly more intense than before doesn't mean I can't deal with them." You stated.
"Y/n I think you should attend therapy sessions-"
"No," you said flatly.
"Excuse me?" Hotch questioned.
"I don't need fucking therapy, I'm shit at talking about things, it makes me uncomfortable as shit!" You exclaimed folding your arms. "Besides, what are they gonna tell me, that I have depression, and PTSD, no shit sherlock"
"Y/n you're really not selling yourself right now. Nothing you're telling me is making me want to let you work again." Hotch stated leaning back in his chair.
"Sir, I was abused and r... and raped frequently growing up... Then I got out and fell into another relationship, where I was also abused and raped... Nothing changed, and while that was happening, I was still coming into work every day, going home at night, and working a 7-hour shift at some bar on top of that..." you explained.
"I have always been doing shit, but I have always managed it, and I won't ever let it affect my work-" you continued.
"Y/n this is not just about how your wellbeing will affect your job. I might be your boss, but I also see you like family, so I care about you in general... What you went through was horrific, and I want you to be happy." Hotch smiled gently.
"Sir, me being at home all the time, is driving me insane... I'm... I spent... I spent years hurting myself to cope, then I stopped and found things to keep my mind off those urges. At home, I'm doing nothing but enduring those negative thoughts... And I don't know how long I can fight them for." You weren't comfortable telling Hotch this, but god did you need to.
