All I want is for you to be happy

Heads Up!

We had an amazing time, it is impossible not to have fun when you go shopping. We ended up buying a lot of things. Scott bought a lot of cloths and I bought some cloths but mainly shoes. We had a really good time until we drop Sadie at the station. As soon as she left, Scott’s face radically changed. He spent all the way back from the station to the car at the parking lot without even looking at me. When he started walking faster I called him twice, but he never answered. Of course he was the first to get on the car; he jumped right in and waited for me.

I wasn’t really sure if I wanted to ask or just wait until he would say something. Scott never gets mad about anything, so when he is angry it is because there is something serious bothering him. He didn’t say anything and he didn’t start the car either so finally I said as calmly as possible:

Mitch: Do you want to talk, or do you prefer to go eat something first?

Scott: Taco Bell drive through? (He said looking at the radio instead of looking at me)

Mitch: Sure. (He started the car, and drove in silence)

Once we had our food, we went home. He asked me not to turn the television on. We sat at the table facing each other. After a couple of bites of his food, he finally looked at me. I hadn’t eaten a single bite. I was trying to read his expression, just staring at him.

Scott: Have you ever lied to me? (He was so serious that I was really worry)

Mitch: Not to my knowledge. (This question confused me, why would he think that?)

Scott: Are you sure?

Mitch: I don’t have an eidetic memory, but I think it is safe to say… yes, I am sure.

Scott: Then, when you told me that you had cried laughing? Wasn’t that a lie?

Mitch: (I was absolutely astonished. How did he know? What does he know?) Scott… I … just… I…

Scott: It’s a simple yes or no question. (There it was, that look that could reach me as an arrow, but now it was hurting… a lot)

Mitch: Yes, yes it was.

Scott: Thank you.

Mitch: What for?

Scott: For admitting that you lied.

Mitch: You are welcome, I guess, I am so sorry, I won’t do it again.

Scott: Now can you explain me why?

Mitch: Why what?

Scott: Why did you lie to me?

Mitch: Basically, because if I would’ve told you that I had been crying, you would‘ve stopped, and you would’ve wanted to talk… and I didn’t want to start crying again… and I’m… I’m really sorry.

Scott: Why didn’t you say so? You could’ve just told me, ‘yes, but I don’t want to talk about it now, we can talk when we are home?’ As simple as that, Mitch.  

Mitch: You are right…. I guess… I didn’t think it through. I’m sorry.

Scott: So? What is it?

Mitch: Scott… I… I don’t wanna talk about it… Can you forgive me, please? I’m really sorry that I lied to you… I promise it won’t happen again.  

Scott: The point with all this, it’s not that you lied to me. Because to some extent I can understand why you did it, given the situation. What is killing me is that there is something in your life that you don’t want to talk to me about. I know… (his voice cracked) I know… that you don’t have to tell me everything, and I understand that you are NOT going to tell me everything. But I thought that you would always tell me if something that is so important and serious for you, which seems to be hurting you exceedingly, to the point that you were crying about it and not a light sob precisely, I know you were weeping… I thought that you will always come to me… I thought… I was your best friend.

Mitch: (I breathed as deeply as I could to keep my tears from falling down) You are Scott, you are my best friend… (My voice started trembling; it was obvious that I was on the blink of crying) NEVER, Do you hear me? NEVER that!... (I sighed) How do you know I was weeping? Did you see us at the café?

Scott: Oh my god! (He looked down and covered his face with his two hands for a couple of seconds, and then he looked back at me, keeping eye contact) I don’t need to spy on you to know that you‘ve been crying your eyes out. I know you Mitch! I know your face. When you’ve been crying laughing, later you’re giggly for at least the next hour and a half, but when you’ve been ‘sad crying’ you PRETEND to be giggly… plus your eyes… (He let out a sigh)  I can tell pretty well the difference between your happy and your sad eyes… really easily.

Mitch: I don’t know what to say…. I really don’t.

Scott: What is it that you don’t want to tell me? It’s all I’ve been thinking all day, that’s why I bought so many things. My credit card was in autopilot.

Mitch: (I whispered because my voice was already taken by all the tears that I was holding inside) I’ll tell you when I am ready… Can we go with that for now?

Scott: But you want to tell me, right? Is just that you are not ready? (I simply nodded and he looked at me surprised and still with some concern) Are you… dying? (His voice cracked and I couldn’t control myself anymore, a couple of tears escaped my eyes when I blinked)

Mitch: (I brushed the two tears and I breathed again as deeply as I could, then when I realized how lost he was about what was going on, a small smile appeared in my lips) No, I am not dying. (At least that wasn’t a lie completely … I wasn’t physically dying, just emotionally, but he only asked about the first one)

Scott: Can I hug you?

Mitch: You can always hug me.

He hugged me with his right hand over my shoulders and with his left hand he pushed my head towards his chest so tight that I was able to hear his heart beating really fast. When we broke the hug he placed both of his hands on my cheeks to make sure that I was looking at him, as if he wanted me to be completely sure of his honesty reflected in his eyes. 

Scott: I am here for you, and I will be here for you whenever you are ready.

Mitch: Thank you so much. That really means a lot to me.

Scott: Ok, let’s finish dinner and then, why don’t we do something to take our minds out of all of this?

Mitch: That's a fantastic idea.

Scott: Oh! I know what we are going to do! We're going to play “Heads up!” let’s do it!

Mitch: (I laughed at his excitement) Let’s duet! He-he

Scott: I think there's nothing better in this world than watching you laugh.

Mitch: Oh! Staaahp it! You’re so nice!

We used the fact that we were going to play the game to make a video for our channel. And I am not very sure if you can easily tell, not knowing what had happened before the video, but when I re-watched it not too long ago, I was able to find some hints of what I’ve just told you.

Let me know if you agree with me… or maybe I am still too obsessed… In this video I am doing the intro because Scott wasn’t too happy after all this, in fact he doesn’t laugh once during my whole explanation… I know that is not laughable… but he normally makes fun of my awkwardness, and he didn’t do it, not even once… which is not way too normal… then the game began and things started getting better. But I think that you can agree with me that the mood in general is not as happy as it normally is.

And finally only let me tell you this little thing, which maybe I’ll regret saying in the future… but I know that you will feel me as soon as you read it… The moment he acts ‘liking a Popsicle’... The reason I laughed was in part because it was really funny, and in part it was a nervous laugh, trying to let go the pump of adrenaline that just went through my whole body.

So, yes, this is all for today. I am going to bed today, thinking that maybe I really should have told him, and that I lost a great opportunity. But I am not ready for his negative response. If he rejects me, it would be the end of our friendship. And I know that my peace of mind is not worth losing him.