Saving Harper

I Hope You Know What That Means

I thought it was just a dream, the doorbell kept ringing successively. I can't believe hindi man lang nagigising si Xavier dahil don. He was sleeping soundly with me on his chest. Was he that exhausted from last night? Nabingi na. If I don't answer the door would the person on the other side leave?

Wait, what if emergency? I suddenly got up because of that thought. I took my silk robe from my door hook and quickly wore it. Wala na kong time to wear anything else under it. I'll just get dressed if emergency talaga.

I half-ran to my door while making sure I tied my robe snuggly. I opened it and tuloy-tuloy sila Hilda and Jem sa loob ng condo ko.

"What? Why are you here? May emergency ba?" I urgently looked at them in anticipation. Hilda was looking worried and si Jem nakasimangot lang. Jem of course already knew what's going on with my mom and di sya pupunta dito ngayon with Hilda if not for that common emergency.

"Yes! It's mom!" Hilda answered me.

Namutla ako. "What about mom??" I tried to say that as calmly as I can because I felt instant panic and I can feel my chest constricting. Akala ko she still has a year or so? I've been trying to sort out my feelings, tapos may mangyayari na pala?

"She's throwing me a bridal shower today!" Hilda frowned. Putangina talaga!

"Tangina Hilds akala ko ano na!" I almost shouted at her but I looked at her indignantly. My heartbeat slowed. Gusto kong sapukin si Hilda. I thought it was my dreaded emergency call/visit. I can't believe Hilda would say this "emergency" of hers like this. Masyadong madrama at nakakataranta.

"Sabi ko sayo masyado kang OA for coming all the way here ng umagang-umaga. Kita mong wala pang suot yang ate mo, ginulat mo na agad." Jem smiled at my robe and inirapan ko sya. Umupo sila sa sofa ni Hilda. "Naistorbo mo pa ata yung landian nila ni Xavier."

"Humihilik pa sya sa kwarto, don't worry." I said and pumunta ako ng kusina para mag brew ng kape dahil I need to do something with my nanlalamig at nanginginig na kamay. Ayokong ipakita sa dalawa how scared I was actually feeling just seconds ago. The coffee's not going to help with my nerves at gising na gising na din naman ako dahil sa ginawa ni Hilda at Jem na pagsugod dito, but Xavier would need coffee pag gising nya.

"Sorry! Nataranta ako!" Hilda said. Tingin nya ba di ako nataranta kanina sa entrance nya?

"Teka. You still haven't gone home simula nung umalis ka?" I asked her facing them. Aba baka nga tama si Xavier na nagmana sakin si Hilda. Layasera din. I couldn't imagine na kinaya nyang hindi umuwi.

"No I'm still staying with Nick. I'm still upset with them and they haven't even called me to apologize!" Naiinis na naalala ni Hilda. Get in line girl.

"Trust me Hilds, that's not going to happen." Di ko kayang ituloy sa kanya yung iniisip ko kasi baka magwala sya: Na baka wala na yung nanay namin, naghihintay parin sya sa sorry that will not come.

But isn't that what I'm doing right now?

Not really kasi yung sarili ko naman yung hinihintay ko. I've learned from thousands of instances that it's pointless to ever wait for my family. I'm just waiting to be ready and yung kaya ko nang iaccept that I'm never going to get whatever type of apology. That no matter what I do, I'll never be enough. Hanggang sa huli. It's unfair, but that's my reality. I'm waiting for myself to be able to forgive them for that reality.

"Paano mo nakakaya ate?" Hilda looked at me na parang naaawa sya saakin.

Jem smirked. "Sanayan girl. Why do you think we're so messed up? We're waiting for apologies and the validations that we ourselves know will never come. Sa tingin mo we've already come into terms with that fact? Yan yung rason why we hate reunions and coming home. And basically family."