Saving Harper

But I Still Hate You

Faith and trust are such strange things. One day, you can trust one person with your whole life, and the next you can lose it entirely.

I've had faith and trust issues for as long as I can remember. It is with the people I love most that I trust and put my faith on. And when they are the ones who break it, it takes away a piece of myself. I've always felt broken and pagod nako over how people can easily break me.

And as I touch my belly, I know I have to be whole again for this growing life inside me.

I've always planned to try and be a great mother sa mga magiging anak ko. Nakita ko na lahat ng mga hindi ko dapat gawin sa mga magulang ko so I need to start being a better person. Hindi pwedeng bitter lang ako and hung up on so many things.

I have to try harder to be whole again.

I rejected Xavier's call because gusto kong panindigan yung pag tanggap ko ng desisyon nya. He hoped I would eventually forgive him for it, and dadating ako don. Just like dadating ako sa point na maaayos ko yung sa pamilya ko. But maybe not right now. Not now while I'm too broken to even function.

Mahal, I will try to heal myself for you.

For the first time, the highest form of unconditional love coursed through me for my growing child as I made that promise to him or her. One that will never be relegated to the box of unfulfilled and forgotten promises by the people I love. I may not know yet what I should do, but I know that I will never ever let my child's faith and trust on me falter.

It renewed my purpose in life.

For once, I slept better. I didn't need to pull myself away from my bed against my will to face my day. "Wow good mood ka ata ngayon?" Franco greeted me nung nakita nya kong naglakad towards our area. He now occupied the office next to mine kasi mas malaki. I just smiled at him pag pasok ko sa office ko, it would be too cheesy to tell him about my motherhood realizations.

"Tumawag sakin kagabi si Xavier." I said as he followed me inside my office.

"O anong sabi? Nahimatay ba? Baka nasa airport na yon." I didn't realize na yung juice na hawak nya was for me until he placed it in front of me, kasama nung sliced apples na nasa plastic container na dala-dala rin nya. Napa irap ako kasi I can't drink coffee anymore. Well not as much as I used to before na halos i-IV ko na sa sistema ko yung kape. Franco just smiled at my reaction because he knows exactly how I desperately need my morning coffee.

"I wouldn't know." I shrugged and began opening the plastic container. Gutom nako agad. Baka bukas pwede akong magrequest ng tapsilog kay Franco? Wow talagang kanin. Well ano ba naman yung may perfect excuse ako to stuff my face with food because I'm now feeding another person. Fine, something healthier than tapsilog. I felt bad na ginutom ko yung anak ko ng tatlong linggo so I owe him or her something better than tapsilog.

"Teka, hindi mo sinabi?" Franco was puzzled. Ohmygod akala nya marupok ako. Eye roll. Ang yabang ko. Kala mo hindi ako muntik magmakaawa kay Xavier na bawiin nya lahat ng pinagsasabi nya sa sulat. Well, dati yon.

"I didn't even answer the phone. Well, I rejected the call." I answered as I chewed an apple slice. Bumilog yung mata nya. Yeah again, from halos magwala nako na si Franco yung tinawagan ni Xavier to rejecting his call, it was a very wide jump. 

"Why? I thought sya yung una mong sasabihan?"