Saving Harper

Love-Hate

They always say "hate" is such a strong word. So why do we always carelessly throw it around in reference to things that we might just dislike? Thoughts we don't agree with. People we don't favor. Do we really hate it or them or we are just too unmindful of the words we choose?

Hate

verb

--feel intense or passionate dislike for (someone)

Intense or passionate dislike, meaning it is felt and not merely thought of. It's the same with love, you need to feel it in order to be able to say it. Both words get thrown around so much that we don't really think about what we really feel about those things we claim to love or hate.

I don't think it was ever like that with Xavier and me.

I love you so much, Harper.

Xavier's voice echoed on my mind multiple times since last night. I don't need to ask him if that's what he really feels, because I know it's true. Especially how he said it to me yesterday.

He loves me. I hate him.

What do I do with that? How do we move forward?

"Ms. Javier? Ms. Javier?" A woman's voice said loudly but distantly, pulling me slowly in.

"Harper, huy!" Franco hissed more urgently and nudged my foot from across the boardroom table.

I shook my head as if to wake myself up. Shit. Nasa meeting nga pala ako. They were all looking at me.

"I'm sorry I must have spaced out. What's that again?" I addressed Pia, the head of Marketing who was presenting their team's budget proposal for next year. Franco frowned at me, mukhang hinuhulaan kung anong nangyayari saakin and kung ok lang ba ako. I gave a sideways glance at our boss to see if nagtataka din ba sya why I wasn't focused on what's happening. Nope parang unaffected lang sya. Recently he acts as a mere spectator since kami na nga halos ni Franco yung nagpapatakbo dito.

"Naka tulog ka ba don?" Franco asked me as soon as we were out of the meeting, na thankfully natapos ko without any more distractions.

"No, may iniisip lang ako." I answered him. Totoo din naman yon e, though hindi kumpleto. It's not that I won't tell him the words Xavier uttered to me last night as soon as we found out we're having a baby boy, pero not here. I was already distracted as it is.

"Sure ka? Or dahil wala lang yung buntot mo ngayong araw? Nasan ba sya?" Niloko nya ko over Xavier's absence.

"Asa. And I don't care where he is." I said to him as he walked past me para pumunta sa opisina nya, buti naman naisip nyang wag nakong asarin pa about it.

I turned my office doorknob, pero sumilip muna ako ng dahan-dahan to check if anyone is here. Wala. I exhaled and entered. Ano bang gusto mong makita Harper? Si Xavier? So now hinahanap mo na sya?

This morning, I was kind of prepared to be pestered by him. Ineexpect ko na agad na he made breakfast or maaga syang mangungulit because of last night's euphoria. But wala sya sa condo, wala sya sa parking, at wala sya dito sa office.

So hinahanap mo nga?

No. I just found it weird that he uttered those words to me tapos ngayon ni anino nya wala. What's it to me anyway? I'm annoyed as hell with him and I'm trying to drive him away. Now I can relish my victory since pang limang araw palang, wala na sya.