Saving Harper

Farewell

Xavier studied me. Di ako sure if he's surprised or not sa sinagot ko. He reached for my hand as if to bring comfort. Sya lang yung comfort ko talaga sa lahat ng biglaang nangyayari ngayon sa buhay ko. Sya lang since dumating sya sa buhay ko.

"Care to explain?" He asked me habang hinahalo nya yung adobong niluluto nya na tinuturo nya kanina saakin kung paano gawin. I had to video him para matandaan ko kung paano ko uulitin.

I moved nearer and pumwesto ako sa likod nya to hug him while I say my piece.

"I don't know babe. I think I feel guilty because I didn't try harder? Hindi ko sila inuna. Hindi ako nag patawad. I easily gave up." I think madami pa kong maiisip later on, but those were the first thoughts that entered my mind.

Pinatay ni Xavier yung stove then he faced me.

"Teka love, himayin muna natin yang mga sinasabi mo. You didn't try harder? Saan?"

"Na mapabuti yung relationship ko sa kanila." I answered him and shrugged. He frowned at what I said.

"Bakit? Did they try? Sa pagkakaalam ko, lima kayo sa pamilya nyo so hindi lang ikaw yung dapat mag try. What's the second one you said?"

"Hindi ko sila inuna." I felt like I was being schooled. Recitation pala sir di ako prepared. This is one of the priceless times I've seen Xavier being really serious.

"Okay, again, ikaw ba inuna? Sa lahat ng sinabi mo sakin, I think yung pinaka affected ka was what happened during your graduation. Graduation yon Harper, pinaghirapan mo. Who the fuck skips their own daughter's graduation? Ako pag nagka anak tayo, kahit gumuho yung mundo or kahit nasaan mang lupalop ako ng mundo, I wouldn't dare miss his or her graduation. Kahit nursery graduation nya lang yon. Saka anong nakuha mo for your birthday? Except sa binigay ni Hilda at Nick. Wala diba? Walang text or tawag. Kahit missed call wala. Bakit mo uunahin yung taong hindi ka inuuna?" Oh shit. I can already see his building displeasure I didn't know he has over MY experiences. Di ko alam that he felt this way. I couldn't even enjoy my kilig over what he said about us having kids someday. "Ano pa?" He was really going to break down what I said.

Inalala ko yung sinabi ko. "Hindi ako nagpatawad."

"Saan?"

A lot of things. Above all for not being the family I expected. I needed. Pero alam ko naman na madaming taong malas sa family so hats off to those who can easily forgive that misfortune.

"Everything. The graduation, being on the receiving end of their looks of disappointment, all those times they made such a big deal that I didn't go to med school sa mga kaibigan nila then eventually ipinakilala nalang nila ako as 'Harper, our other daughter', yung mga pagpaparinig nila that if only I was a doctor now I'll be a surgeon and with Julian or whatever, lahat ng sinasabi ko sayo about my family. I'm so bitter about those things because I can't forgive them. And it's a vicious cycle. I'm bitter because I can't forgive them and at the same time I'm bitter that's why I can't forgive them."

"Forgiving takes time Harper. Sinabi mo saakin na ayaw mong mapipilitan ka na magpatawad and that's the perfect reason over your decision not to give careless and half-hearted forgiveness. Lalu na if they can't even sincerely ask for it. May sinabi ka pa ba?"

"I easily gave up."

"If you think you easily gave up, how many years did you wait for them to say they are proud of you?" His eyes softened as he gazed into mine kasi naluluha nako. Everything he said was true. "Love, I'm sorry for the things I'm saying. Hindi ko intention na mas magalit ka pa sa kanila. I just don't want you to feel guilty over things na may karapatan ka namang maramdaman." He hugged me and I started crying and feeling confused about my thoughts.