Saving Harper

Test

I had no appetite for the day after. In fact I had no appetite for anything at all. Not for food, getting out of the bed, opening my eyes, or even breathing. The agonizing events of yesterday and even the day before that, completely caught me off guard. If I had known this will happen, I might have taken my friends' offer to keep me company instead of being alone. The silence around me was deafening but my mind was anything but silent.

I've reread Xavier's letter numerous times already since I got it that the two-page goodbye letter now has deep creases in it and yes, tear stains. Did I miss something? Anything?

He said he loves me but how could he let me go just like that? I was clinging to the smallest chance that all of it was just a cruel and a sad dream. But waking up to the letter clutched in my fist was a painful reminder that all of it was true.

Maybe he's just giving me a choice? And when he calls today, he'll ask what I really think about what he's saying. Kung ano ba yung gusto ko. Baka naman kasi suggestion lang yon? Xavier would be the last person who would walk out of my life ng ganon-ganon lang. Maybe that's why I'm still refusing to understand. I had too much faith in him.

I just really don't get it. Was it his coping mechanism about leaving me? Did he feel that bad that I was the one who got left behind?

I looked at my phone. 5:30am it's approximately 4:30pm there. So bakit walang iMessage man lang? Delayed ba yung pag dating ng flight nya? I'm sure he'll need time to lug all of his things to his apartment and to settle in so baka yun yung reason?

I refuse to think about the alternative why I'm not getting any messages from him at all.

I begrudgingly forced myself to get up and go to work. Franco's still in Boracay so I had no choice dahil pag iniwan ko yung boss namin na mag isa sa office, baka mag collapse yon—either sya or yung opisina. I never had to deal with anything like this before. Something that made me NOT want to go to work. But maybe a distraction was something I need instead of just waiting without being productive.

My phone felt heavier and heavier as the hours ticked off. I think I've already ran out of excuses to explain away the absence of messages and calls coming through. Ilang beses nakong nag makaawa sa phone ko na tumunog naman.

By 4pm, I was nearly in tears. Ilang oras pa ba Harper? My absent subconscious finally reared her vicious head. She did me a favor shutting up most of the day as I was deeply in denial, but now here she is, waking me up to my reality.

If you want to know, just send a message pero natatakot ka naman. Gaano ka tagal mo ba gustong ideny to? A whole day? One week? Months? It's your choice. At ano pa bang gusto mong isipin na excuse? At ang malaking tanong, hanggang kelan mo lolokohin yung sarili mo?

Harsh.

But I really was in denial, alam ko naman yon. And I can't keep doing this to myself. Wala na yung inaasahan kong taong pupulot sakin. Yung gusto kong pumulot sakin.

That realization was the reason my resolve faltered and now believed that I wasn't going to get any message or calls from Xavier.

I cried in the ladies bathroom nung nakaalis na yung mga tao sa office. I couldn't get any more pathetic.

Hindi pa enough yon kasi I cried again when I got home to my empty condo in front of the photo Xavier gave me. After my cryfest, I've decided na hindi ko yon kayang makita araw-araw. Do I throw it out? I don't think I can so I buried it deep sa walk in closet ko. I thought about also taking down the framed sketch Xavier made that hung above my bed frame that Tiff and Ivan gave me for my birthday. That one, I can't bring myself to remove kasi it was a gift.