Saving Harper

The Letter

I felt tired. Physically and emotionally. That's what happens when you chase time and end up in the losing end of the race. And I lost this one rather painfully. I went home to an empty condo but the emptiness was nothing compared to the hollow part I felt deep inside me.

The traces of Thursday's hurried activities before leaving for Boracay can still be found around my unit. The coffee mug Xavier and I shared that morning before going to the airport was still sitting on my kitchen counter, marked with my lipstick stain. The shoes I last-minute changed from were lying on the floor. Xavier's perfume bottle that he didn't pack because he insisted on the extra space on his luggage for some of my things was on my dining table. The extra key to his condo was dangling on the key hook next to my car keys. One of his jackets was draped on one of the hooks on my cabinet door. His white shirt and boxers were strewn on my bed together with my clothes. The bed was unmade. His scent lingered everywhere and I hopelessly wished Xavier lingered just a little bit longer too.

It was the little things that made it seem like the place was also waiting for him to come home. Like he would magically barge in the room at any time. I wish he would instead of being thousand miles away from me.

I slumped on my bed after removing my shoes and burrowed on his side of the bed inhaling the heavenly scent wafting from his pillows. I plan to lay there for the rest of the day to swim where he laid hugging his shirt. I'm never changing my sheets hanggang nandito yung amoy nya.

Teka Harper, hindi naman sya namatay. You'll hear from him by tomorrow when he lands in Washington. Nasa depressive state pa ako sa pag alis nya, weighed down by my crappy goodbye. I think mostly by that. Bukas when Xavier calls, pagtatawanan nalang namin kung paano ako umiyak ng umiyak kahapon hanggang kaninang madaling araw. Then I can finally tell him what I wanted to say, ng maayos. But for now, I think I'm allowed to wallow in my sadness.

Is the first day of not having Xavier here the hardest? Or tomorrow will be even harder? The longing after hearing his voice, not being able to hug or touch him? Technology makes everything easier but harder at the same time because people would always want more. But I guess seeing his face even just through FaceTime calls would be better than nothing. Nakikita ko nang iiyak lang ako after our every call.

I'm actually glad bukas pa ko makikita ni Xavier. I think I also traumatized him from all my incessant crying I did up until he already needed to board his flight. He looked helpless but tried to distract me saying that he'll really miss me. Nahawaan ko yata sya nung somber mood ko because he also looked like he was struggling. "Somber" was a light term for it, parang nalaglagan ako ng mundo. Hanggang ngayon namamaga pa rin yung mata ko and I looked so haggard when it was my turn to board my flight back to Manila this morning. Walang tulog at puro iyak, so you could just imagine.

I refused Jem, Liv and Franco's company last night nung nalaman nilang bumalik ako kagabi sa island and resort because of my hellish airport experience kasi wala naman din akong ginawa kung hindi umiyak ng umiyak.

I wasn't much of a company last night.

Will I be in the coming days?

But the real question is, would I retreat to the shadows of isolation? I could already see it in my head, I'll be here (or probably at the office) counting down the minutes until Xavier can finally call me because of the time difference. It wasn't exactly isolation. Babalik lang ako sa usual routine ko of work-condo-work-condo-work-condo, and so on. I don't think that would be hard since I've lived like that for the longest time. And besides, I signed up for it. I signed up for waiting. It would probably be effortless from my end.