Closer 2

78.

They had just dropped Elise off at Grandma Chen's house and were driving towards the clinic where they would finally meet with a therapist. Eddy had driven them to his mom's house, but sinve he seemed so completely out of it, Brett had suggested they swap. The fact that Eddy seemed so jumpy about seeing the therapist made Brett feel like it would be the end of the world.

"Do you think she can help us?" Eddy asked quietly with his head resting against the window on the driver's side. He felt like what he had done would be unfixable, that he had in fact ruined everything by pressuring Brett into having more kids.

"I mean, I hope so? I don't know how, but... but she does this for a living, so it can't make it any worse, right?" Brett answered, wanting to look at Eddy but couldn't as he was driving. Eddy let out a quiet sigh.

"Right," he mumbled, turning his gaze out the side window. It couldn't be worse because it was already the worst. He had messed up too badly.

"Do you not think... that we can be better..?" Brett asked hesitantly as he came to a stop at a red light. He looked at his boyfriend who looked like he wished he could curl up in bed and cry hus eyes out. It hurt to see.

"I don't know. I hope we can," Eddy mumbled, shifting his gaze down to his hands. "It feels like I've fucked up too badly, and that it can't ever be fixed."

"You mean our boys?" Brett asked, reaching over and taking Eddy's hand for a moment, barely having time to give it a squeeze before the car behind them honked and he was forced to drive off. "I thought we had talked about that."

"We have, but it doesn't change the fact that I forced you to go through with it and is now selfishly making you experience the same feelings I felt before Elise was born," Eddy explained, wrapping his arms around himself. "You didn't have to go through that, we could've decided you'd be the biological father again. I would've known how to deal with those feelings, while you don't."

"It would be pretty selfish of me to refuse to let you have a biological bond to our kids, though," Brett countered, trying to focus on the road for the last stretch of road. "But I guess it's also pretty selfish of me to make the whole thing into a bad experience for you by not being able to handle myself."

"You're not selfish, you're literally giving up on all your spare time so I can be happy," Eddy protested, shaking his head as Brett pulled into the parking lot.

"Literally what you did for me with Elise. And Leonora isn't even your ex, so I have no reason to be sad about it except that I'm not related to them biologically," Brett said, followed by a sigh. He backed into a parking spot as he continued. "Hell, I even participated in the making of these kids. At any point I could've went 'know what, let's talk about it some more', but I didn't. My stupid feelings about the whole thing is not your fault at all. If it's anyone's fault, it's mine."

"I guilted you into it," Eddy said, voice breaking up as his throat tightened. "And your feelings aren't stupid, but I wish you'd just be angry with me for screwing our relationship up so I can apologize without you saying it isn't my fault when it is."

Brett switched off the car and turned to look at Eddy. His eyes softened when he spotted the tears running down his cheeks.
"Eddy mine, come here," he said, pulling Eddy into a hug as he broke into sobs.

"I'm so sorry, Brett, I'm so sorry..."

"Shhh, Eddy, you've done nothing to me. It's not your fault. I do want to have our boys, and I do want to raise them with you," Brett said, stroking his back slowly to try and calm him. Eddy shook slightly in his arms still.

"But you're just saying that so I won't feel bad," Eddy managed to explain in between sobs. He pulled back slightly to try and wipe his tears. "I know you're sad and frustrated about it, and it's okay, Brett. I understand."

"But I'm not really sad and frustrated about having the boys. I'm nervous about handling three kids, yeah, but that's not really what's going on," Brett explained, taking one of Eddy's larger hands between his. "I'm scared of not being able to bond with them like I have with Elise because they're not related to me, and I'm sad about the fact that my worries are ruining your experience with having biological kids."

Eddy just nodded quietly. It made sense when Brett put it like that.

"I'm sorry for making this something bad for you, Eddy. We've got a few more months, though, so don't you think we can fix it?"

"I hope so," Eddy sighed, pulling Brett into another hug. "I really hope so.