cause you were all yellow | a.i.

three.

scar ashton irwin
"its a painful thing to try."

what i told her wasnt true.

well i mean, my name was, but my house was quite far back.

but i didnt care.

i waited until i was sure she was inside safe and heard her turn the deadbolt before i turned to start walking back.

i spent the whole walk back trying to figure out why i cared so much about whether she got home safe or not.

i mean what i said about my mom raising me better than to let her walk home alone was true, that part was just human decency, but why couldnt i move my feet until i heard her deadbolt latch?

my walk was about 15 minutes and even as i reached my house, i still had no clue.

i unlocked my door and walked inside, kicking off my shoes right beside the door.

i could see the light from the tv and the desk lamp illuminating the living room so i knew my mum was still awake.

i hated when she did this. i told her constantly she needed the sleep. she had to be up by six the next morning. she had no reason to stay up until i got home, but she always told herself differently.

i quietly entered the kitchen and grabbed a banana off the counter to quench my midnight appetite.

my mom finally heard me as i threw the peel into the garbage can.

"oh, hey, sweetheart," she said groggily. "i saw you were gone when i got home. where were you?"

i could tell she was tired and simply skipped over her question. "mum, i tell you all the time to just go to sleep before i get home. its almost 4am and you have to be up in 3 hours to go to work," i told her.

"i know sweetie, but you also know i wont go to sleep until i know your safe," she explained to me as she shut off the tv.

"mum," i pleaded. i knew exactly why she refused to go to sleep before i got home. "i know you saw them years ago but thats it, they were years ago. im not doing it to myself anymore so you cant keep doing this to yourself."

"ashton," she said as she walked over towards me. "you know how much i love you, and i cant sleep peacefully until i know youre home, safe. i never know what youre doing out this late. i trust you and you know that but i never truly know."

"but you cant keep working 8 hour shifts on 3 hours of sleep," i told her as she pulled me into a hug.

"i know i cant, but i will. the extra 6 hours would have only been interrupted and pointless anyways. my mind would have still been on you."

we separated our hug as she pulled back and began to walk towards her room.

"okay sweetheart, like you said i have work tomorrow so im gonna go to bed. love you, ashton."

"love you too mum. good night."

as i heard her bedroom door shut, i began to flick off all the lights in the house and head towards mine.

i hated that she did that to herself.

i hated myself even more for being the cause of it.

ever since she saw them, shes refused to go to sleep before i got home.

i guess she thought i was out trying to hurt myself.

although she wasnt completely wrong.

i switched into some sweatpants and laid down on my bed, my phone illuminating my face.