cause you were all yellow | a.i.

fourteen.

when the partys over billie eilish
"dont you know im no good for you?"

the drive back was silent. i kept my eyes closed for most of it, trying to erase any memory that attempted to cross my mind.

but it didnt work, so i opened my eyes and just stared out the window.

i could feel ashtons eyes on me when he would take his eyes off the road.

i knew how upset he was. he tried so hard to protect me, and in a way he did. had he not been there, it would have been so much worse.

i just sat holding my knees to my chest as he drove.

"im so fucking sorry, yellow."

i swear i could hear him crying too. he was trying to stay strong for me but it was hurting him just as much as me.

just hearing him crying made the tears form in my eyes too.

"god, if i just wouldnt have done that. i could have just stay with you. it would have never even happened."

i tried so hard to make my voice work, to tell him it wasnt his fault, but i could form any sound.

i heard him sniffle as he wiped the tears forming on his face.

i turned my head from looking out the window over to him. he saw my movement as soon as i as i moved.

his eyes locked onto me between his looks from the road.

"im so sorry, yellow."

i nodded to him in hopes he would understand i knew he was, but he still seemed so upset with himself.

i unlatched my hands from around my knees. i brought it up to the consul between us and sat it, face up, fingers spread.

he looked over at me, trying to read what was passing through my mind behind my eyes.

he brought his hand down to meet mine, softly settling it into mine, trying not to set off any memories.

we stopped at a stop light and he looked over to me. i managed to form a smile as i looked over at him.

it wasnt fake though. even after everything, being with him made me feel alive.

and safe.

as the light started to change, he brought my hand up to his mouth, leaving a soft kiss on the back of my hand.

he held my hand the rest of the ride home, using his other to shift and steer at the same time.

it might not have been the safest method for him to use but he didnt want to break out contact, and i knew he wouldnt have done it if he thought it would put me in danger.

he stopped in front of my house in put his car in park. i looked over at him as he asked, "do you want me to carry you in? your moms not home anyways."

i tried to say "please" to him but i couldnt form the words, so he only saw me mouth the words and nod.

"okay," he said pulling his key out and climbing out of the car.

when he got to my side, he reached over me and carefully undid my seat belt. he leaned in towards me so i could latch my hands behind his neck.

he slipped his hand behind my back and under my knees as he picked me up. it took so much mental strength to shake off the images of murphy touching me.

i just had to keep reminding myself that it was ashton.

and he would never hurt me.

he shut my door behind me and walked me up the sidewalk.