cause you were all yellow | a.i.

forty.

bloody valentine (acoustic) machine gun kelly
"the simulation just went bad but youre the best i ever had. like hand prints in wet cement, she touched me, its permanent."

"polaris," i stuttered out through labored breaths as i sat up, trying to calm myself.

"are you okay? did i do something?" he whispered, trying to break through to me.

i think he knew i was going to call polaris. he saw it in my eyes before i even said it, pulling back before i even asked. and i think he knows why i called it. i watched as fear took over him, feeling mine kick into gear too.

he didnt want to touch me in fear of setting me off more but that was all i needed right now. instead, he tried to break through with his voice.

"clairo, you okay?" he continued trying to whisper to me. his eyes searched for mine, hoping to pull me from the panicked state i fell back into.

"yellow?" he said quietly.

as soon as i heard him say that, my mind stopped racing. my eyes landed on his. i finally let out the breath i was holding. i finally came back to him.

"yellow?" he asked again, softly placing his hand on top of mine. "what happened?"

that was when i started feeling the tears forming in my eyes. "im sorry," was all i could form through my cries.

"clairo, its okay," he told me, moving closer to me to bring me into a hug. he stopped far enough away to let me decide if i wanted the physical contact, trying not to push me back to that panicked state. i leaned the rest of the way to meet him, craving his skin on mine. "youre okay, yellow. ive got you."

he held me as i began to calm back down, fighting off the panic attack trying to push through. i rested my head on his shoulder, using him for stability.

"what happened? did i do something?" he asked quietly as my breathing returned back to normal. "i didnt want to push you, im sorry."

"no, it wasnt you," i said barely audible, muffled from his shoulder. "just as soon as i felt your hands where he was, he was all over me aga-" i tried to explain as my anxiety began growing again.

he held me tighter as i began fighting for air for a second time, an anxiety attack forming. he tried to comfort me in ways he knew would help, like whispering in my ear, rubbing my back where he knew it wouldnt set me off again, and running a hand through my hair.

"im so sorry, clairo," he whispered to me. "i shouldnt have pushed you."

"ashton," i said, pulling out of our hug. "it wasnt you," i told him as i leaned my forehead against his, closing my eyes as i continued to try to reground myself.

"i told you i was sure," i said, opening my eyes to look at him. "and i am. i want you," i told him, kissing him quickly. "but i cant get him out my head."

he sat quietly, resting his forehead against mine, breathing in the same air i was as i slowly felt my panic die down. i was slowly coming back to him.

"im really sorry ash," i finally broke our silence. "i just wish i could find a way to keep his hands off me in my mind."

"clairo, you dont have to apologize," he told me, pulling back away from me to look into my eyes. "you did absolutely nothing wrong."