cause you were all yellow | a.i.

forty three.

burn malibu '92
"she wants to leave thjs house, but theres no way out."

his lips quickly made their way to my neck and his hands pushed their way under my shirt. i pushed back against him, trying to fight him off.

his hand only worked farther up my shirt, reaching around for my bra clasp, his other pushing up between my legs. i pushed even harding, screaming "no" with all the energy i had.

"what are you doing, clairo? you know you want me, not fucking him," he said pulling his lips off my skin for only a few seconds.

i knew his damn voice. it was murphy.

"get off the hell off of me," i yelled at him trying to push him back, but he wouldnt budge.

this was the point in real life when ashton saved me, but it never ended there in my nightmares.

he unclasped my bra from behind my back, moving back around to grope my chest. i felt his fingers unbutton the top of my shorts.

i continued screaming and fighting, but no one could hear me, not even ashton.

tears began flooding my eyes and down my
cheeks as he overtook even more of me.

"ashton!" i started calling, praying for someone to save me.

"ash-"

i woke myself up with my own screams.

i couldnt breathe again. every breath i took got caught, making every attempt even harder.

i tried to bring my hands to my face to wipe the tears off my face but i was shaking too much to ever make contact.

there was only one person who could calm me at this point.

"ashton," i cried through the phone.

"yellow, whats wrong?" he asked, concerned. he sounded completely asleep when he first answered, but now he sounded completely awake.

"i cant-" i tried to spit out through labored breaths. "ash, i ca-"

"clairo, youre having another panic attack," ashton told me quietly. i could hear him grabbing keys and walking around.

i tried to calm myself as i listened to his voice, but the feeling of murphys hands were still all over my body.

"clairo, i need you to breathe with me," ashton said through the phone, pulling me from my nightmare. "im coming to you but you need to breathe."

"ash, he... he was-" i tried to explain to him what was happening.

"i know, clairo," he said starting his car. "im coming to you but until i get there, you need to get air in before you pass out."

"okay," i spit out between caught breaths.

"okay, so along with me," he told me as his car grew louder. "in," he took a deep breath.

i tried following along with him, but my body wasnt allowing it.

"out," he explained over the phone.

"in," i tried again. "out."

i closed my eyes as i listened to ashtons voice through the phone. i attempted to follow along, still struggling, but ashton never stopped trying to help.

when hed hear me being to struggle again, he would try to pull my attention from falling back into the hell that occupied my mind.

"clairo, clairo," he tried to pull me back to earth. "yellow."