cause you were all yellow | a.i.

forty four.

somewhere only we know kaene
"and if we have a minute why dont we go talk about it somewhere only we know."

i didnt know what to do at that point.

i sat in my car for almost twenty minutes just processing what had just happened. i think part of me just wanted to be there if clairo came running out too.

after almost thirty minutes of just sitting there, i drove home.

when i walked inside, my mum could tell something was off.

"oh ash. whats wrong, sweetheart?" she asked as she got up off the couch.

"i... i-" i started stuttering, still not sure what happened myself. "i think clairo and i just broke up."

i heard her take a deep inhale from surprise.

"are you serious?" she asked walking quickly over to me.

"yeah," i said running a hand through my hair. "her mom caught us together and forced her to break up with me."

"what do you mean forced you to break up?" my mum asked confused, wrapping me into a hug.

"her mom had a no boys rule that i knew about, so we were only friends in that house," i began explaining as i leaned into her shoulder. "but she had a panic attack last night and she needed me, so i went to her but her mom was there when we woke up."

"ashton," my mom whispered as she began to feel my pain.

"holy shit," i took a deep breath as reality hit me. "i lost her."

——

i spent the first day staring at my phone, waiting for a response. a call, a text, something. but nothing came. even at school, where her seat sat empty, my focus was on nothing but my phone.

i spent the second day doing the same, holding on to every ounce of faith i had left. even in art when i sat staring at her empty seat, i tried not to give up.

by the third day, the boys started become suspicious. i tried to just tell them she was sick, holding on to the hope that she would be back soon. they didnt believe me though, they could read right through me.

but come the sixth day when i drove past her house and saw her moms car gone, that hope id been holding onto began to falter away. if her mom wasnt home, why wasnt she trying to get to me. why wasnt she responding?

i thought she was lying straight through her teeth when she told her mother she didnt love me, but now im starting to believe it myself.

that was the day it hit me.

that was the day i lost control of my emotions.

i spent an hour parked outside my house just trying to stop the tears flowing down my face, but i couldnt ever regain control.

i finally walked my crying ass inside when i finally accepted that crying was a part of being broken.

and i was broken.

clairo had broken me.

as i walked in the door, my mum noticed me. she immediately ran over to me, holding me as i cried into her arm. we eventually moved to the couch as i continued to breakdown in my mums arms.

"ashton, do you want to talk about it?" she asked when i finally regained some control over myself.

"its been a week mum," i said weakly. "a week. and she hasnt tried to text or call. she hasnt been at school. she hasnt been to our spot. she hasnt tried. and then today i went by her house and her mums car wasnt in the driveway, which meant she was home alone and could have called or something. she gave up."