What About Now?

Chapter 1 - Kai

Indiana Evans as Kailani

............

"Mom how much longer are we going to do this?" I ask skeptically.

I am beaten, battered, and bruised. My wavy waist length dirty blonde hair is covered in dirt and my hands are aching, but that doesn't seem to faze mom in the slightest.

After we split up with dad, she hasn't been the same. I guess losing him really affected her more than I thought. She never used to be like this; demanding, aggressive, and impassive. I know he's safe, I can feel it through the bond, and I know she can too, but I guess not being able to see him is agitating her wolf. So until then, we're on the run, staying wherever we can, and practicing my combat and energy tactics until I can no longer stand.

"Kai, you need to be ready for anything, and sadly you're not, so until you get this right we're not done," she yells looking directly into my blue eyes.

Mom and I have been on the run ever since we got separated from dad. Being rogues, there aren't many places we can go without stumbling on pack territory or other rogues, and dad never wanted to join a pack because he never believed in all that. I can quote, "bullshit of being social creatures and having packs." According to him, we were fine on our own. But maybe if we weren't rogues he wouldn't be gone, and mom wouldn't be falling apart.

"Kai!" I raise my eyes to meet my mom's infuriated stare. "Do you think this is a joke? If there was a rogue standing in front, you would be dead now. They don't care who they kill, and you don't seem to care if you die."

My whole body trembles, my wolf is practically begging me to shift and make her wolf submit to me, knowing that for some odd reason we can without breaking a sweat, but as usual, I hold her back. I know mom's going through a rough time right now, but sometimes I feel like she forgot that she isn't the only one who lost dad.

So with all the energy that I can muster up I close my eyes and try again. I try to tune into all the water around me, practically calling on any water particles to evoke, but no matter how hard I try, I can't. I remember what it wanted me to do last time, and how much power it had over me. I was the puppet and the strings were being pulled by whatever the hell it was.

I open my eyes, "I can't," I say, letting shame settle over me.

"You can't or you won't?" She looks at me quizzically.

"I won't!" I yell exasperate, "You saw what it wanted me to do! What I almost did!" I can feel the moisture welling up in my eyes. "You don't know what it's like, to being this close, this close to-"

I stop myself mid sentence, knowing that I've never gotten this far to talking about what I've done.

"Close to what Kai? Killing someone?" She scoffs, shaking her head in irritation. "Well it was either you or him, but that second of hesitance on your part is what almost got you killed. If I weren't there, you would have died. That's how it works in this world, kill or be killed." She shakes her head once more, running her hands through her short blonde hair, an action she's been reiterating a lot lately.

She exhales a large nervous breath, her tone suddenly becoming softer, "Kai, I know you're scared of this power growing inside of you, but refusing to shift into your wolf is not the answer! You're just detaching yourself from her, making you both weaker. I know this isn't the life you wanted, and trust me when I say that I never wanted this life for you either, but this is what we have."

She starts pacing around muttering what she liked to call "the survival plan," as she's done countless of times to reassure herself when she gets anxious.

"Don't worry! As soon as we find dad we'll find somewhere safe to settle down. I can get a job,"she continues in a hopeful tone, "and we'll be done with all of this."

As she finishes reiterating the survival plan, she walks up to me, as if suddenly remembering my presence.

"But for now, we need to survive."

I nod my head and know that it's better to keep quiet then argue with her. "We'll practice again tomorrow Kai, don't mess up."

"Yes ma'am," I whisper as I follow after her.

My wolf is practically snarling at me for not giving her a piece of my mind, but I just can't yell at her. I keep holding onto the image of what mom used to be like when we were all a happy family. I remember we used to laugh, watch movies, go shopping, and my personal favorite, sing together. We were inseparable. Now, I feel like if she had the chance to undo anything in her life it would be having had me as a daughter. Why wouldn't she want to undo the one person that single-handedly broke up our entire family?

We continue to walk through the woods without speaking. I appreciate the silence as I listen to the rustling of the wind and the crunching of the leaves.

I run my hands against my tank top and jeans, grimacing at the dirt layering over the thin material. I sigh, knowing that my clothes won't be able to survive the brute of the oncoming winter. I need to find some new clothes soon.

Being a werewolf I never really cared for the weather considering werewolves constantly run hot in body temperature, but after I stopped shifting, I've been starting to feel colder. Mom seemed to notice it as well, but never commented, I mean why would she?

We stop at a secluded clearing. Mom swiftly closes her eyes and inhales the air, detecting for any ominous scents that could be lurking around the vicinity. Finally, she opens her eyes and nods, declaring the spot safe enough and wastes no time to lay down on the cold ground. "You've got first shift," she states with a tired yawn, getting into a comfortable position and closing her eyes.

"Yeah, not like I trained the whole day while you did nothing," I silently mutter, enough to elude her werewolf hearing. I sigh once more, sitting down on the dirty floor, bringing my knees against my chest and keeping my eyes trained on any possible openings for an attack.

After a while of scouting, my mind begins to wander to a reoccurring dream of mine.

The first prominent thing in the dream is the plain white dress. I perplexedly run my hands over the soft fabric to observe its long length. I lift the skirt off the floor, keeping it in hand. I proceed to look up into the night sky. The moon is shining down on me, beckoning me to come forward. I try to stop in my tracks but can't control myself.

The wind intensifies, blowing my dirty blonde hair back, allowing me to see the edge of the cliff I'm standing on. My mind is yelling at my body to run, to move away from the cliff, in fear of falling into the body of water that's coaxing me to jump.

Yet, despite the pleas my mind seems to issue, my heart feels a sense of warmth, a feeling of safety that causes me to move my legs forward and trust the water ushering me to jump. An internal struggle between my mind and heart quickly arises, but no matter how hard my mind attempts to stop my body from falling over the edge of the cliff, I always end up losing to my heart.

This is going to be a long night ahead of me.