Say you won't let go

Chapter 34

Meredith sat quietly in the corner, rocking Elliana as she quietly breastfed against her chest. She was getting almost too big to fit in her lap comfortably. This was the only time she ever sat still. They were now eight months old, and crawling everywhere. She felt her heart break as she knew what was happening just in the next room over.

They had been in New York for two days now, waiting on the inevitable. When Derek got the call from Lizzie, he booked the next flight. Amelia arrived yesterday with Mark and Lexie. It was too soon, but they knew it was coming when they found the tumor after her third fall just after Christmas and she busted her head open. Carolyn was diagnosed with stage 4 metastatic melanoma that had metastasized to every part of her body by the time they found it. It was too late for them to do anything and she decided against living the last few years of her life fighting. So Derek took every opportunity to fly out here, he was gone for a few days out of the month the last three months which Meredith didn't mind, she knew he would resent her to some degree if she fought it.

Meredith got up, putting a now sleeping baby into the pack n play they had set up in the Shepherd house. The kids were all at Lizzie's house next door where they were being watched by her oldest kids. Meredith slowly made her way into the living room where hospice had replaced her bed with a hospital bed. She didn't want to die in a hospital, she wanted to be surrounded by family. It was going to happen real soon, she had been in and out of it, she hadn't spoken since the day they arrived and hadn't ate in four days. All the Shepherd children and their spouses were scattered around the house. Each taking turns spending time with their mother. She couldn't make out what Derek was saying to her but by the tears streaming down his face, she knew he was saying goodbye. The house was so quiet, Meredith had never witnessed the house quiet. There were always children's laughters and chit-chat from the siblings.

She slowly approached him, putting her hand on his shoulder as she just tried to comfort him. She had never seen him in such a state, he was distraught and absolutely miserable. Anyone could see how tired he was, he obviously hadn't slept much. He said he didn't want to miss seeing her and wanted to spend every second he could with her.

"I'm going to miss you, ma. You can go whenever you're ready. We are all here. I know dad can't wait to see you," he held her hand tightly as he began to sob. He couldn't hold it in any longer as he broke. Meredith just held him as he cried. She had began to cry herself, the few times she got to spend with Carolyn she was always so warm and welcoming. She had such a love for everyone, she was the light in a dark room.

"Derek," she whispered to him as she wiped his tears but they still fell.

"There aren't words," she mumbled to him as she held him the same way he held her time and time again.

"Kathleen should be done cooking by now," she said to him, hoping he would eat. Amelia came in just as he was starting to say something.

"I'm going to go to the bathroom," he wiped his face with a Kleenex as best he could before he walked out. Amelia was taking it hard as the rest of them, her eyes puffy from crying so much.

"How you feeling?" Meredith asked her.

"I'm fine. Devastated, heartbroken, but fine," she pursed her lips.

"I'll let you have your moment," Meredith said with a genuine look on her face, touching her arm and giving her a reassuring squeeze.

"Stay, please. I don't want to be alone," she had a few tears fall from her cheeks. Owen wasn't able to leave since all of them had taken off at once. It was hard for him to be there but they all knew why he couldn't.

"Ok," Meredith nodded. She went and sat on the couch as Amelia approached her mother. She didn't look like Carolyn, she was pale and her hands had turned cold and blue. Her face was sunk in and she had lost so much weight.