Say you won't let go

Chapter 23

The air was unusually warm for March, it was almost like spring had came early but she couldn't focus on the weather as she hurried from her car into the hospital. She quickly ran into the hospital as fast as she could, dodging nurses and families of patients. She arrived and stood looking into the window of a hospital room, her vision was blurred and it was like a roar of people surrounded her. The words played over and over in her head.

"I'm sorry Meredith, there was a DNR, there wasn't anything we could do."

She just starred at the lifeless body that laid on the gurney. His usually tanned skin had turned a blueish gray color, shoe covers still over his hospital shoes. She couldn't believe it, he was gone. The morning was like any other. Charles had woken before Meredith, he already had coffee brewing when he woke her up to inform her of his early surgery and he had to go. There was a quick, sleepy kiss and he was gone. She would never feel his touch again, his lips against hers.

"What about his patient?" Meredith asked. That's the only thing she could think to say. Her mind was in a haze of confusion and like she was in a dream.

"She made it through, Nelson was called in and he finished the procedure. Is there anything I can do for you? Call Lexie or Cristina?" Richard asked.

"Lexie," she staggered into the room, her body froze when she saw his face. It didn't look anything like the man she loved, he was pale and lifeless. Her heart shattered into a million pieces as she caressed his cold cheek with her hand. The love of her life was laying there lifeless and she wasn't sure how to comprehend it. She wasn't sure she could ever move on.

"Mer," Lexie said, she had been crying. That was all it took for Meredith to fall to her knees, her breathing quickened as she began to beg for this to all be a nightmare. She screamed and cried, it was the worst thing she had ever imagined.

"He can't be gone," Meredith sobbed, her whole world was shattered. She couldn't move, she could t breathe. It was like the whole world was collapsing beneath her and all she could do was watch.

...

"Mer?" Derek said again, drawing Meredith out of her daze.

"Hm?" Meredith continued to stare at the calendar on her phone. One year. It had been one year since her husband had died. She felt guilty, almost like she should feel sadder than she does.

"You ready?" He asked again.

"Yeah," she smiled weakly. He didn't know, exactly what day it was. She wasn't sure the kids knew, and she didn't know if she should do anything about it. She didn't want to make them sad, especially since today was suppose to be a happy day. She was going for an ultrasound, twenty weeks today. This would be the first ultrasound they had since the one before Christmas. She thought it was funny in a sick sort of way, she should be mourning the one year anniversary of the loss of her husband and instead she is going to an ultrasound.

"I wonder if we are going to see if he is really a he," Derek said excited, he moved his hand from hers and to her growing bump, rubbing it slightly.

"Maybe," she had a feeling it was a boy as well, she smiled back at him from across the car. The radio filled the silence between them as they sat quietly.

"Ok, so I don't want to bring it up and be a sad day or anything and I'm sure you don't know but today is the one year anniversary of Charles's death and I wasn't sure if I should bring it up to the kids. I don't want them to forget their father but I don't want to bring down the mood today," she said finally. She hated to say it but he had more experience with this than she did.