𝘥𝘰𝘯'𝘵 𝘣𝘭𝘢𝘮𝘦 𝘮𝘦//𝘷𝘪𝘤𝘵𝘰𝘳𝘪𝘰𝘶𝘴

epiphany

GUYS 600 reads? i love you all beyond words this is amazing❤️

trigger warning- suicidal thoughts and self harm

"and that's when i found out that i lost the baby" jade finished telling cat the events of the past few weeks. with everything happening cat felt pretty clueless, and she was still having some memory problems from the accident.

"ohhh and that was umm... don't tell me- the boy with the hair! it was his?" she asked struggling to remember.

jade laughed and stood up from the couch,

"yes, it was becks baby." she replied.

"why didn't you tell me earlier?" cat asked changing the mood of the room.

"some things you can't speak about" jade answered looking down a slight crack in her voice.

"well jadey i gotta go to school! bye!" cat jumped up from the couch.

"i know you don't remember but i hate that name!" jade yelled out as cat walked out the door.

"i remember" she giggled before closing the door.

jade sighed. she'd been home for what felt like forever now even though it had only been about 1 day. she was on house arrest while the police and the court decided her case.

she threw herself back down onto the couch, huffing. closing her eyes tightly, trying to distract herself. being alone with her thoughts could be dangerous. and these weeks had felt like a war and she almost didn't make it.

she wasn't sure if she could keep making it.

everyday all she hoped was that she could make it through the next few minutes. cat was really the only thing keeping her alive. which sounds dramatic but it was true.

she felt this incredible sense of loneliness most of the time. even though she had people now she couldn't stop thinking about all the people she had lost.

she lost her parents. her dad left emotionally a long time ago. when her parents split up he was never the same. the mornings he used to spend making pancakes and bacon turned into him sleeping until 3 while she sat quietly watching tv, careful not to wake him. it was never pretty when she did.

her mom left physically a few years later. after the divorce she stayed around because she had declared she wasn't going to "miss out on jades life". big surprise, she left two years later. and worst of all she took jades little brother with her. but there wasn't a thing jade could do, she'd never felt so helpless. nights after that were full of screaming matches and various objects flying though the air thrown by her dad. they usually missed her.

she lost beck. it didn't matter how much they fought, she always missed him. even if she didn't love him anymore she missed his presence. he was really the only one she'd ever talked to about family stuff. not even he knew her whole story. he was comfortable, she knew what to expect with him. he cared about her more than she cared about herself. but that was scary and she couldn't handle it. so she pushed him away until he was over the edge. she couldn't exactly get him back now.

she lost the baby. the stupid baby that didn't even have a name. and if she was being realistic it was the baby that ruined everything. the baby that took her life and ripped it apart like a piñata.

and even though she had cat. even though she had all of cats love and affection, she had lost more than she had.

she tried to deny it. to tell herself that it was going to be ok, that she could do it. but that wasn't enough.

by this time she was crying. it felt like she didn't have anything left to cry anymore. they weren't hard sobs they were silent. quieter then anything. sitting there like a statue, unsure where to move, unsure where to to. unsure about everything in her life.

she glanced down finally to the scars on her wrist. they were old by now. she was 17 and told herself she outgrew that a long time ago. and she did. they were from 1-2 years ago. and she had vowed to make 17 a clean year. and she had done it so far.

but the knife block on cats kitchen counter almost seemed to call her.

"god. no." she thought aloud turning her gaze back towards her lap. she closed her eyes in exhaustion. everything was exhausting nowadays, the smallest of tasks seemed to taunt her in disbelief.

it was hard to explain but life just didn't seem worth living anymore. she was here for cat. and if that is what it took her to stay, she would stay with cat.

because she knew if she left cat would never be the same. she wouldn't giggle her bright laughs whenever anyone said anything. she wouldn't bounce around anymore. she'd take the burden onto herself. and jade couldn't imagine doing that to the poor girl. she just wanted cat to be happy.

her eyes grew dark and her muscles relaxed from the tense positions they had been in. she hadn't slept in weeks. she didn't let herself sleep for long anymore either, for fear of getting lost in the bliss of her dreams.

only 20 minutes to sleep, and she dreamed of some epiphany. just one single glimpse of release. to make sense of what she'd seen.

ok that was dark- ummmm i guess it's one of those days