Her Toxin

Syd, Shannon and tenderness

A.n- it's been a hot minuiet since i updated this.

Cari's POV

The rain was heavier and louder on the roof when I woke up. I dreamt a little too long about this light that I was chasing but seemed unable to reach. It was sort of cathartic in a way. It means something.

It must mean something. Something in terms of love, chasing, idealism perhaps? Part of me is wondering if it has to do with Syd. she stayed glued to me last night, peppering kisses over my face and telling me how much she loves me repeatedly. Her weight held me down last night when she fell asleep with her body on top of mine.

Maybe I need to be held down. Down by the weight of what is right? And to give her all the reassurance that she deserves.

I woke up alone and naked. Wondering if my lover had already started getting herself ready for the day, wondering if she'd still love me as loudly when Shannon will be coming to us today. I wanted her to come into our bedroom with that big grin she usually has, her bun bobbling on the top of her head and one of her button-up shirts. I sorta wanted her to come over and use her hands to cup my face, give me kisses on the lips till I end up laughing against hers and telling her to leave me alone.

'Bubs?' she finally pops her head around the corner of the door, and the tension is released. 'I'm about to go and buy some nice things for Shannon...to say sorry. What sort of snacks does she like? I also wanna get her a candle or something...so do you know any scents she likes?'

I melt at Sydney's thoughtfulness. It makes it feel like things could be way worse. Syd has this sweetness after all, like honey and the stars.

'Um...' she comes into the room completely and her eyes widen when she realised, I'm still naked. 'Cari...please put some clothes on before I jump on you.'

'I will.' I chuckle at her. She covers her eyes as I get changed. 'Um...she likes the fresh linen candles. Snack-wise...she will probably like anything, she does really like nachos.'

I watch her leave the room. Poking her head back around the door again.

'Cari...' It isn't abnormal for her to do this several time each morning. 'I love you.'

'I love you too.'

***

I had to close my eyes for it, take a deep breathe, exhale and then open the door. Acting like there wasn't the weight of my future looming down on me, as if all the hard feelings would go now that we could, really, work through our grief together.

Syd turns to me. Her hand rests on the small of my back and she gives me a look of reassurance. Soon after; a kiss is sealed on my forehead just as I turn the handle. And I want to be strong and proud in this moment- for her.

When I saw Shannon in front of me, I felt this overwhelming sadness. Making me want to be stupid and place all the hurt on her. Her posture was telling me she knows the tone is hopeless. We have all this love...it's just so confused. And her lips are parted slightly, disappointment on her face as if she didn't want Syd to be here just yet.

'Cari, Syd. Nice to see you both.' Shannon seemed kind about it. She even shook Syd's hand once she had put down her luggage in the reception area.

'baby, I'm doing this happily for the both of us.' Syd whispers before glancing back over at Shannon. 'You never told me that Shannon's American too just like you are.'

I giggle. 'It's a long story, I'm sure you'll here it from us both soon enough.'

Maybe it sounds weird, but with Syd, it feels safer. There's no judgement casted in her eyes and there's no sourness on her face. She's just sweet and the way her lips reflect the bright lights in the reception room makes me want to give her a gentle kiss of reassurance. Just enough of a kiss to remind her that I'm not going to stray from her.

Our eye contact quickly gets broken when she winks at me and I look down at the floor. Wondering to myself if there will ever be a moment when Syd doesn't have some kind of effect on me.

'Shan. Let me take you to where you'll be staying.' I let the words leave my mouth. Moving my body away from Syd's.

I make eye contact with Shannon and I feel something, just not how I used to.

'That sounds good Cari. Oh, and Syd, it's lovely to meet you.' Shannon is beside me in seconds and I can hear her rapid breathing as we walk along the corridor. She stops just before we get up the stairs.

A small huff before her luggage stops rolling across the floor. It's communication like this which makes me feel agitated. Or maybe the agitation more so comes from how I had imagined Shannon would probably be around me.

'This is so weird.' Shannon tells. 'Sometimes I hate how I would do anything for you.'

My brain freezes.

'I...I'm sorry you feel that way.'

Walking through Syd's world with my ex feels an unrealistic thing to be doing right now. It gives this pressure and pain in my chest which makes me want to be walking with Syd instead. It could be a mixture of things, but for now, I'm not really too sure.

'No. Cari, I know what I mean.' She grabs my arm forcefully. 'Cari...you got too close to her.'

'What do you expect me to do! She's my girlfriend for god sake.'