Her Toxin

- What Do I Know About Love? -

 INSPIRATION FOR THIS CHAPTER ABOVE. I'd advise that you watch this first, it's beautiful.

You've probably felt it more than one time before. It fuels most people's hearts. All that I'm learning from the past decade or so of my life is that I'm still struggling to grasp my art. The message I want to put across. Not knowing who/what is fuelling me and what I'd potentially like to inspire other people to do or let them know about what I've learnt.

It has an unwilling tendency to hurt...and I don't know if I ever want to hurt again. I don't want to be on my knees again, crying unattended with love's scratches littered all over my legs. It has to be merciless and yet people say that love is supposed to bring you to your knees if you did it right. It doesn't care if you're broke, or if you're still unsure of yourself. Love doesn't care.

Sometimes I feel like that's what happened with me and Rachel. We were way too young, I end up writing into my notepad. I wonder if college was a time when I was supposed to be doing the same thing as her though. So I end up throwing my head back. Pretending to feel all of the potential lips I could've kissed. Wondering whether I would've liked it or whether it would've meant anything to my scar-free at the time self. I let go of the thought. Reminding myself that all of it is now on Rachel, although to fuck things up, it does take two.

I don't even know where what me and Rachel had gone. Energy can only be transferred, not destroyed, so it must be somewhere still evolving. Someone would've caught it by now. Our secret 'romance' that led to me feeling like I wasn't enough. Someone would've pulled on Rachel's jacket and she would've gave them the same look that she gave me. She would've moved on and the love I had for her would've then meant nothing. Because of course, we're strangers again and she's pretending as if she has not a clue as to why our feelings towards each other died.

 I feel Shannon's eyes drawing patterns on my back whilst a shakey exhale leaves my mouth. She makes me feel as if feelings can possibly be reborn. She has been showing me that maybe love has nothing to do about whether you're ready or if your feeling insecure. Everything with Shannon means something. From even the smallest touch to the tiniest word that might leave her mouth.

We make each other smile. We make each other vulnerable but in the most comfortable way. I want to be vulnerable with her- in ways that I wasn't with Rachel. There's this level of trust between us that is so beautiful, but unreasonable in my eyes as I feel as if I could trust her with my life.

Is the love that Shannon and I could potentially have, or build, be out thier somewhere for us? Where does it go when/if it was to run out? I feel more desperation building in my heart. Never knowing if I'm more sad or happy around her because I'm aware of how when I look at her, I wonder why no one has ever looked at her the way I do before. Part of me wants to know why no one is looking at her the same way as I do. Because if I'm going to be with someone than their supposed to be my better half and I'm supposed to be the one who is just putting up with whatever they feel they have to/need to do.

Every kiss that me and the brunette share make me wonder how we keep our cheeks all rose-tinted once it's over. How we manage to switch our doubts so that we let our lips touch and hands to caress. Legs to be tangled up like two ships when we cuddle on the sofa. All of the intimacy makes me wonder why I feel as if I now know nothing about love. Electricity has been leaping between us and the feeling only seems to be serging. I feel it every single time that she walks into the room. I don't know whether it is the same as the feeling that I have felt before, or whether it's something that the action of sitting on the fence with Shannon has caused. Too many mistakes, so I can't mess the next one up.

I'm out of control of how I feel about Shannon. Maybe I feel nothing and maybe that's why right now it feels like I've got the whole damn world in my bedroom right now as she's here with me.

 When it comes down to it, Shannon makes me feel like I know nothing about her own definition of love. She makes me want to choke my past example of what love should be like, she makes me want to show Rachel in whatever way I can that her way of 'love' was wrong. Shannon makes me want to shake the deepest depths of my memory so that the way that Rachel had crept into my heart can be erased. She makes me want to look into her eyes for hours just so that we, together, can ensure that I never feel what Rachel made me feel before.

'Babe...you look lost.' It's together Friday, so it's no exception that she's by my side. My bed making the perfect space for us to waste time away together in. Her laptop on her legs whilst I wrote lyrics down in my notepad. Shannon's eyes have this soft twinkle in them whilst she talks to me. The space between her hand and my thigh is uncompromisable. I had an urge to place her hand on it, but it felt unacceptable to do so, so I let her hand be. Letting her decide what she wants to do with it.

'I am.' I reply. Letting a long-winded sigh leave my mouth whilst I watch the corner of her lips slide up and into a soft smile. Causing this small tingle to grow on the tips of my fingers. I like that she's on my bed with me and that the lighting is low and a little intimate. I like that she doesn't feel like she has to overly dress up to be around me. That she's comfortable in a beige hoodie and her hair messily tied back into a bun. It's sweet to think that she's aware that I'd like her all the same regardless.

'Do you feel different...since meeting me?' Her voice goes up a little at the end. She faces back to her laptop, so it seems like she's not watching my expression too much, but I can hear from the tone of her voice that there was a lot of care behind the words. As if she was aching to hear something from me and to have me be the first person to say it out loud.

'ShanBee.' I cup her cheek. Turning her face so that she's now looking at me. This weird feeling present that makes it feel like my cheeks are thick with all the emotion that I can't quite dictate. 'We're both different people than who we were when we met. I can feel it. Everything means more.'

I'm looking down at her lips. Not being able to understand how each kiss makes me feel some type of way. Not being able to understand how helpless but beautifully helpless I feel each time that they touch. And that's the second that I let us press our lips together because I know it had got to the point where there was not much more I could say to get her to believe me and because there was nothing more I wanted to do than taste her specific taste on my tongue right now.

'Sometimes I wonder if the fence analogy is needed anymore.' She pulls away and wraps her arms around me. Placing her head into the crook of my neck whilst one of my arms extends to wrap around her. I feel Shannon's presence all over the room. Her admiration coursing through her body and onto mine. 'Because I feel like you're mine, but at the same time, I still don't know whether you need that fence analogy as things have been a challenge.'

 But I feel like this is probably it. I know for sure that we have changed and that we're not going to come out of this the same way that we started. I know that we're feeling things for each other that could be described and explained by just one simple word. All that is stopping us is my fear.

'I wouldn't want it to ever go away though because...Shannon, I don't know where feelings go once they are gone and I don't want things to fall apart between us ever.' I mumble. Feeling her wrap her lips around the side of my neck. Sofly sucking the small area for a second before she gently moves her body so that she's now half-led ontop of me.

'The feelings would be in your memory if things did go pear-shaped.' She tells me. 'And I don't think we should be worrying about all of the ins-and-outs of feelings. What I mean is...do you wanna be my girl?'

And that's when I kissed her and tried to show her that her love has crept into my chest and that she has changed me. I wanted to show her that our kisses are everything. That are touches are something I feel that no one else has ever felt before. I kissed her because I feel my soul reaching for her and because I know that I have no control over this.

I know that she's setting my heart on fire and that's why I told her that I'll let what we have become my everything.

VOTE.COMMENT.THEWORKS