Her Toxin

- what the hell have i gotten into -

This is dedicated to my best friend. so so sorry i forgot your bday bud. Worked hard on this one, I hope you enjoy it. Love you xx

I know it's masochistic, maybe a little messed up, but at the same time I have a hard time stopping myself. I manipulate her mood; she does the rest for herself. Adding the extra details and finishing touches, making me wish that I could be just as good to my girlfriend.

Her compliancy to my whims consolidates how much she loves me. I get dependent on how, in those moments, our 'dynamic' is non-existent and I'm the one with all the control. The shift shows me more aspects of Syd that others maybe don't see as much. And oh god does it turn me on when I see those sides of her.

Maybe secretly Syd is the one for me. It's a push and pull relationship after all. And I do love her. It's a different type of love. It's a love that puts me in a space where I know I'm adored and where I'm put first all the time. I see the way Syd looks at me...how bad she seems to want it, how bad she seems to wish it could be me with her forever. How much she probably wishes she could turn all our things from 'mine' 'yours' to 'us' and 'ours'.

I also see Syd's recklessness and how she'd do anything to please me. She's done the bedroom up. Rose petals on the bed, her sex playlist is playing, her eyes sparkling when I look into them.

'Um. How? When?' My breath is taken away. 'You're a literal angel.' My girlfriend's hold on me seems to be increasing just like the pressure of her hands on my hips. The way this feels makes me want to slow dance with her, but with the way her eyes are tracing themselves down to my chest, I see that we wouldn't make it through a single song till it would turn into something else.

'Only for you baby. You deserve the best,' Her forehead is resting against mine. I feel her warmth and it makes my heart go mad. There's so much tenderness. She gently walks with me till my legs hit the back of our bed, parting my legs so she can get in between them. My hands go to her neck, my eyes closing themselves. 'only the best for you, bubs.'

She presses opened mouth kisses down my neck. I can't help but look at her as she does it, watching the satisfaction on her face as my breathing turns heavier.

'You like that baby?' Syd whispers. Continuing to the other side of my neck whilst my hands take their own voyage down her body and right under the waist band of her trousers. 'Oh girl...you tryna take me off guard huh?'

When we're eye to eye my breath goes away. I can't speak. I feel like I'm gasping. Her eye contact is so strong and suddenly I'm so weak and pulling my hand out from her trousers. The coy little nod she gave me the second afterwards making me shiver.

'And I see...you did the right thing.'

'You think so?' when I speak, she smiles.

'know so.' Syd makes these things comfortable for me. I used to feel weird using my voice and dirty talk but seeing the expressions on her face makes me do it even more. I love seeing the way she does that side smirk of hers and the way she fails to hold her composure each time. 'because you know that it's basically law now that I have to do something.'

'Yeah?' I kiss her roughly.

'Cari.' Fuck. I watch Syd tilt her pretty little head and then do that little thing she normally does where things get a little too much for her. And oh god...she is SO sexy when she gets like this.

Then she laughs looking down at the floor, her fingertips sinking into the curve of my ass and suddenly I just don't know what to do with myself. It was a combination of a lot of things. The pressure of her fingertips on my skin, the way she was looking at me, the way she looks. I see how much she likes this and how much she's reigning herself in now...how it seems almost painful to her.

'God...Cari, I love you. So, so so much. Like...ugh I'm so speechless. I wanna give you everything.' she pulls on the zip of my dang dress to get me out of it. Every touch of hers is electric and the expression on her face is priceless once the dress is where it rightfully should be on the floor.

She loved me in various places around the room. Until I was a mess of a women and until the room was a mess. Tenderness sort of went out of the window the second she found herself inside of me. Our 'I love you's' turned into 'I need you's' which then transpired into words I'm not too sure I can bring myself to repeat.

Maybe I felt a switch in things later into making love with her, but at the same time...it's so hard with all the oxytocin and I feel so unsure of all I've been feeling anyway. The way that Syd loved me tonight felt desperate, like she was doing everything she could to please me and I wanted to let her have exactly that. I wanted her to know that she can have all of me.

Part of me wonders if maybe the feeling I got is embedded into the domestic nature of the intimacy me and my girlfriend have built together. It's so hard to remember that not all of this is about Shannon. Maybe we connected on a level that is different to this love, and maybe we always will, but for now...Shannon just isn't my lover.

It is so strange to me. I can't imagen myself being naked around anyone other than Syd now. With my legs up on her shoulders and an extension of her interlocking us in the sweetest way, I saw that I don't want to be without her.

Um...I think I've fallen in love with her too. I mean, I think I was already half way there before but...what the hell have I got myself into?

A.n- listen to sex w my ex today (iykyk) 😂😂