Her Toxin

- Anxiety + give me kith -

VOTE.COMMENT.THEWORKS

Everybody tells you that healing is all about time and that it's a process, but no body says about how you can feel about a past love when you have found love in someone else. It stings and hits the pit of my stomach and I want it to stop. It's making me feel sick and uncomfortable. Shifting in my seat as I see that it wasn't just Rachel's fault - I played a part in our train wreck of a relationship too.

There's forcefulness to the way I'm thinking about it. I know I'm supposed to, so I can be ready to talk about the tracks on the EP and what they mean. I know I've got to sell my story to people so they can understand, so we can have that all important 'human to human' connection, but right now all I want is to know that nothing bad is going to come from it.

Keys rattling at the door force me out of my thoughts. I've been over thinking, sat at my desk with my head in my hands all day. The white of the paper I was writing on reflecting the sun making my eyes burn slightly, but I couldn't care less...it made me feel like I was feeling something. I know my girlfriend will be our room in a matter of seconds, yet I don't want her to see me like this and I don't want to talk about any of this with her.

And my focus can't quite fully shift onto my lover, making me feel guilty because I should meet her halfway between the kitchen and slam our lips together like we have done time and time again.

I don't want to feel her right now when I'm trying to write down how I felt in the moments that I wrote the songs in my EP.

***

Anxiety. I've slumped headfirst into a bad spell of anxiety. I keep trying to get my head around the way heartbreak feels and why I felt that way, why I did what I did. My nights have been sleepless, the days seem to merge. I'm feeling this strange nothingness which seems to stick and seep deep into my bones. It feels like there's nothing I can do about it.

Then there is my girlfriend who I feel this distance between. She both adds and subtracts to the panic, acting like a shield, then a knife at times. It's not that things have become bad between me and Shannon, it's more that it's become different since we told each other that we're in love with each other.

I keep looking at Shannon and needing reassurance. I keep catching myself wondering whether this is all real and wondering how she's actually mine. The love, it's only getting deeper, but there's insecurities of that.

I started thinking about Shannon with 'other' woman.

Since then, I've not been able to look at her quite the same. There's too much about her that could tempt other girls. Her smile makes my heart drop, her smile is enough to make any girl's heart (and another part) throb. None of it is helped by the way her perfect hands are and the way she dresses. She's every lesbians' ultimate fantasy.

That's the thing- Shannon Beveridge is a heart throb, I'm average and I don't know if she's going to get bored. I have this fear that she's going to do a similar thing to what Rachel did.

My breathing quickens whilst I shake slightly. We're trying to watch a movie, Shannon's got me surrounded in her embrace so I should feel okay and safe, but I don't. There's so much I don't want her to know about what happened with Rachel and there's so much I don't know how to talk about with her. How am I supposed to tell my girlfriend that I'm hitting rock bottom again because I'm having to reflect on my first love.

I feel lips on the top of my forehead and can feel the beat of Shannon's heart from the way she's holding me, but somehow that doesn't seem to be enough for the shaking to stop. Even the sofa seems to have it's own secrets. I feel like I'm being watched, or like something bad is going to happen and I can't seem to shake that feeling away.

Then there's the scene on the screen, which only seems to magnify my problems even more. I don't know if I'm doing the right things, I don't know if I'm doing enough. If my love is enough for Shannon.

'People die for love, Charlie.' The tv is loud as the scene unfolds. A conventional couple arguing in the comfort of there home, the lights a harsh colour as things escacalate. Her husband throws his hands in the air, she flinches as if she's used to him being aggresive. 'I don't want to live if you are going to leave. People are dying here! You can't go to war.'

It looks almost as if he's about to pull his hair out with his muscular hands. Blonde strands almost disappearing from his face as it reddens. Everything about this movie is tragic, and none of it is helped by the way that we've just seen the two children they have admit that 'they wanna die' as the parents won't stop arguing.

'That's because love is poison!' He shouts back and I hate the way that I can relate. 'It's poison and we're stupid enough to still drink it any way!'

Why did this scene bring a tear to my eye? This is exactly how I've been feeling.

'It's okay, it's okay.' Shannon's hands keep me in place until I stop shaking. Her thumbs rubbing circles on my arms. 'I'm not going to let go of you.'

We went to bed after the movie and my small break down. I saw Shannon sitting at the edge of our bed when I came out of the bathroom. Seeing her put her hair down so it could touch her shoulders again. My heart started racing, but I couldn't tell if it was because of the sweetness of knowing she'll sleep beside me, or if it was due to anxiety.

'Give ye kith.' She jokes. Running a hand through her hair with a smirk and I melt. 'I miss kith.'

And I saw now, what I was feeling had changed. Even if it was just going to be for a bit, I needed this. I needed her spring time eyes and her soft, muscular hands. I needed to hear her heart beat and feel it change with mine.

I cup her face. Shannon keeps her hands tightly on the back of my thighs, keeping me tightly in front of her. We gently kiss and I feel all the feelings I have for her dancing on the tip of my tongue. Her soft lips part and she gives me permission to graze my tongue against hers.

'If I ask to undress you, will you be mad?' Sweetly, I was asked. Her eye contact intense as she trapped her lip between her teeth. I could feel the excitement flooding through her body and wondered whether it was what I really needed.

Kissing her, it was amazing, but I don't know if I want to make love with her tonight.

'We just sleep once you've done that right?' I laugh at her reaction. Her mouth parted.

'Uh...something likethat.'

A.N- Shannon. Corner. Now! Just saying lol! Should I let it happen or...