Her Toxin

- Mind Your Own Business -

I've always been a warrior princess to Alayna. Knives in my hands whilst arms exchange messages whilst they extend. My battle cries making people pause for thought before I'm able to take them off guard. Surprise them for a little bit. Just enough to make them infatuated with my fate. It's fair to say that me and Alayna- we both have different ideas and perspectives on who and what FLETCHER represents.

Admiring the way that the cogs in Alayna's mind work, it's an easy thing to do. Her friendship was the first that I found in the city. I liked the way that her smile was one of those open-wide 'I'm so amazed by you' grins that light up your whole face. Then there was the astonishing amount of support and tight embraces that she gave me 2-3 months into our friendship. Once I had signed to a label who was going to allow me to hopefully have an EP out by the end of the year. It turned out that Alayna was part of the tour crew there and was down to luck and chance that I would soon be working closely with her department of the label.

'Did things get any better for ya? Last night, I mean?' One of the main problems caused by Alayna seeing me as a 'warrior princess' was that she always seemed to have this inherent idea that 'warrior princesses' always say how they feel. When Alayna speaks in a low, almost slow tone of voice, I know that it's clear that she cares. She's showing true concern. Her almost childlike energy fading whilst her legs stopped themselves kicking through the air. I watched her whilst she trapped her feet underneath her bum. Putting her hands palm-down onto the bench.

'Well...' I'm always aware of my tone of voice in comparison to Alayna's. Always made crystal clear of our differences in heritage due to my still prominent New Jersey accent. 'I thought about the miles separating me and her...like you said I should and, for once, I felt safe from her.'

I wonder whether the depths the poison reached cause me to still hurt. Whether Alayna's knowledge about my ex and my ex's girls made it so that the poison ran deeper. By the hands now on top of my shoulders, whilst Alayna wrapped my scarf around me a little more, I'm reminded that she means well. She wants me to feel good, even if it does mean that she has to invade my business a little bit. It's one of the main reasons that she enjoys pulling me by the hand up onto a pedal stall. Wanting me to be able to see myself as some godly being.

She rubs one of my arms a little. 'It's something.' Her lips curl up a little bit. Honestly, Alayna looks like she's making a plan. This strange look going on in her eyes. 'Focus on loving Fletch, love yourself more.'

Even the flowers that were peeping out of dirty covers seemed to squint their eyes at Alayna. My eyebrows letting themselves come together before a deep sigh left my mouth. 

'In what way? I don't know if that's a euphemism or if I'm getting something wrong.' My voice comes out quietly whilst the wind causes my blonde hair to sway a little as a blush tints my cheeks. The park benches opposite us giving dirty looks before casting their own eyes away from the pair of us.

'Hm...well. If you're motioning to what I think you are, then you're not wrong. That is a form of self-care in a way and it certainly takes the stress off your shoulders for a bit.' With that, Alayna winks. Giving me just one of her brown eyes to look into for a few seconds whilst my stomach twisted with wonder in why I am unable to do the damn thing that we're speaking about in an 'unspoken' way.

'I couldn't.' My hands grow clammy. 'Already done the whole touchin' myself to the photos that she...well used to send. It'd be too much of a reminder. I'd just feel guilty.' But I find myself wondering about how warrior Fletcher would take Alayna's idea for my journey back to self-love. I think that warrior Fletcher probably wouldn't care, she probably wouldn't look that deep into it and would focus on doing what feels good. Whereas all I think is that I don't want to get to the point where I'm imagining her again and what she used to do to make me feel good.

When Alayna stands up; I follow. Tracking her steps behind her a little bit. Pushing out uneven breaths on my own before walking up to her side. Wondering why she didn't tell me we were leaving in the first place.

'I don't know whether I can relate or not.' She pauses for a little to think about it. 'It's been a while since I've had to deal with being singl-'

'You're married, obviously!' I interject. Shoving her a little bit as I allowed myself to laugh. 'Who's to say that are girlie days out and stuff aren't a form of self-care anyway?' I'm fully smiling though and there's probably a giddy spark in my eyes. 'You get away from your husband for a few hours and then come to me so that you remember that you have other things in your life too. Oh and wine...yeah he buys you wine and stuff, but we're ladies who lunch.'

'True. We're living the high life.' She jokes causing us both to laugh. 'And it's funny when you talk about all the American traditions and then I try to explain what November the 5th is about for like the 5th hundred time.'

I smirk at how quickly I managed to change the conversation. Warrior Fletcher would be proud.

'So, that's why we're meeting up tomorrow. Dinner. You pick the spot...I don't want to find myself alone in the evenings at the moment. I'll pay, you can take him if you want...I don't care. This is self-love baby!' I end up yelling at the end. A little over-excited about the concept of being somewhere new and with my best friend.

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