Her Toxin

- we're on a break, baby -

Cari's POV

She looked different with the title of 'we're on a break, baby' written all over her face. Even more vulnerable with the look of 'I know exactly where Syd's lips have been' in her eyes.

My hands feel clammy and fidgety because I understood now...we were a team. I'd decided to go solo, hurting her and destroying my sense of pride.

'Cari, I need you to sit down.' Part of me wondered how long Shannon had been planning to do this. If she'd parted time in her schedule for us to see each other again. For me to sit vulnerable in my red dress in front of her in our living room.

'Are you okay?' I look at Shannon and want to caress her face gently. My gut telling me just how wrong I've been to her.

She breaks down, like a vase has just been shattered and the pretty flowers inside of it tossed aside. It's like I can see all the shattered ceramics all over the floor, but can't pick them up and glue them back together again.

'Don't you understand? What you've been doing?' her voice is still calm and tender which scares me even more. I want to flinch, but it feels wrong to when I'm the one whose probably caused this.

I watch her take her head in her hands. 'I have my secrets too Cari, but...how can I move on knowing you're taking the side that you shouldn't.'

What?

'We miscarried. I was scared it would disappoint you if I told you straight away.'

I end up crying right in front of her.

'Shan-.' Immediately, I had to get to her. Throwing myself into her arms.

We're silent for a while. Refamiliarizing ourselves with each other's touch as if it can provide the healing that's needed. Her breathing slowly declines and I start to wonder if she's feeling calmer, or if she was even calm in the first place. It feels like all I can hear is her heartbeat racing whilst my sobs gradually turn more and more intense. Wetting her shirt.

Motherhood has been taken away from me, and even though I've done wrong, this feels the most wrong. Espeacilly with how much I've been dreaming about our baby, seeing Shannon and I become mothers and wondering if it would mean that our love is strong enough for us to give a child a good life.

'I- I appreciate that you've told me, but just...why not earlier?' The deepness of this grief is beyond explainable right now.

I hear Shannon take a breath, hold it in for a few seconds too long, shifting from side to side awkwardly so that we both sway. She's taking me to a place where it becomes more apparent just how separated I've made us.

'For the sake of love.' I feel her lips on top of my head. Her arms tight around me. Her scent intoxicating me. Everything feels heavy. This girl always gives me vertigo with the way she used to take me to the highest feelings, but I didn't expect to feel dizzy from the lowest feelings.

'So, because you love me? Or because I hurt you?' It's times like this where I don't trust myself w my own voice.

'Because I love you, and because I didn't wanna interrupt your self-exploration with that other girl. I didn't wanna hold you back and I didn't even know if you were even in the same country.' Yet another kiss gets placed on top of my head, with a shaky breath.

And I hate to admit, but it felt so good to hear Shannon tell me that she loves me again.

'You were so toxic to me. It killed us...and our baby.' When she starts crying too, I pull her tighter into my body.

'What does this mean for us?' I question, as if it's something that is straight forward. As if this doesn't have to do with a nasty mix of how worried I am about money, how the sex could be (if she'd even want it) and the complications that potentially could come if we renew our commitment to each other.

'I'm still trying to figure it out Cari.' When she let's go of me, it feels like she's left a massive boulder of questions onto my back. A heavy lump in my throat forming whilst I watched her eyes fill with tears over and over again. Part of me aching for her to take away the words that she loves me again.

'I- I'd do anything. Um...for you, I mean. Shan- I want to...' It takes a while for me to get my words out because I'm feeling her hurt as if it's my own. 'I want to figure it out with you.'

Part of me liked the way she smirked lightly whilst I told her that. It was like she was slowly thinking about it, thinking about me...the way things should be. Slowly the smirk becomes a laugh and her eyes become a light of positivity for a few seconds.

'Only if you promise your not going to up and leave this time and were taking it slow.'

A.N- I'm BEYOND proud of Cari and Shannon and everyone involved w the making of The S(ex) Tapes! I've had it on repeat since the second it came out and have already begun the process of learning the songs on my guitar.

Hope you guys enjoy this chapter. I think I want to continue on with this book, but will add a lil disclamer in the blurb to try and make it as respectful to the girls as possible?