Different

44.

My throat feels tight right away, the familiar sickness to my stomach returns.

"It's not his fault," Austin butts in right away, trying to calm me down. "Derek made him take it."

I can tell he regrets telling me the truth right away.

His explanations only leave me more confused. "What do you mean, made him take it?" I lean onto the wall with my back hoping it will not only give me physical, but also mental support. 

"I've already said too much... none of this is for me to tell," Austin almost rambles. "Just know that Jace didn't take it willingly. You know he doesn't drink, and he definitely doesn't take that shit anymore."

I'm trying to put some puzzle pieces Austin's giving me together in my head. I fail miserably. "I'm tired of all of these stories about Derek. I want to know what's going on. What does he have over Jace?" I just know my assumption about the two of them is right.

"Like I said, it's not for me to tell," Austin repeats himself with empathy.

I let out another big sigh, my frustration only growing. I have no idea why I didn't fall apart yet. My panic attack is so close, I feel it.  "What did he take?" I want to know.

"Can't believe I'm saying this, but.... just cocaine," he admits. So I assume his choice of words tell me that it can be even worse than that. "It was his own he sold to Derek," Austin explains, giving me at least a little bit of detail.

I nod my head slowly. Now that I think about it, I would've preferred the scenario of him being drunk. 

"He needs rest, I thinks it's best Bree and me leave," Austins says. "Are you going to be okay here?" 

Like predicted, panic overcomes me when I think about being alone with Jace in this state. I've never been around drugs, and don't know how to handle any of this. "W-What?" I stutter. "But what do I do?" I wave my hand in front of my face. An overwhelming feeling hits me, and I get light-headed. I feel alert and weak at the same time. 

"Are you okay? Is it a panic attack?" Austin says, not sure what to do with me.

I don't blame him. I just nod my head another time.

I don't blame him. I just nod my head another time.

"What's going on?" Bree squeals, peaking around the corner to see if I'm okay.

"Panic attack," I bring out, leaning onto the wall some more.

"Shit." Bree storms over to me, and embraces me in a tight hug right away. "Help me," she says with her tiny arms around me, directed towards Austin. He looks confused but mirrors Bree's actions almost instantly. Together, they wrap me in a tight embrace, and I feel comforted right away. I can't imagine how odd we must look right now, but I'm grateful for both of them—especially Bree, for remembering how to help me just from seeing my tattoo.

"I feel better. Thank you guys," I say after a few minutes, steadying my breaths. They both let go, and I offer them a small, reassuring smile. 

Peeking inside Jace's apartment, I see him nearly asleep on the couch.

"He's still the same, you know. Only... high. He's not dangerous or anything," Austin says, trying to calm me with his words. "If he were, I wouldn't leave the two of you alone. I used to bring him home like this often, until he stopped using any of it." 

"Okay," I nod, my stomach dropping when I think about Jace doing drugs on a regular basis. "Thank you for your help. Both of you," I say, embracing the two of them again.

"No worries. Please text me if you need anything. Have a good night," Bree says, taking Austin's hand and smiling at me with empathy once again.

"And please remember what I told you, it wasn't his fault. Don't blame him for it, okay? As his best friend, I have to make sure he won't be in trouble after this," he smirks at me slightly, trying to lighten the mood. 

I once again half-smile at him as an answer. I can't make any promises I can't keep at the moment. I don't even know what's going on. Bree gives me another wave, and her and Austin leave the hallway and make their way downstairs. I quietly close the apartment door behind me, trying to figure out what to do next. Going to bed seems like the only right choice. Letting out one last sigh, I make my way to the bathroom to get ready for the night.

"Don't be mad at me," Jace says quietly as I pass him. My whole body tenses. I turn around to face him slowly, and see that his eyes are wide open. 

For some reason, I don't know how to talk to him. I don't think I've ever talked to a person high on cocaine before. Austin said he's still the same, I have to remember that.

"I don't know what to feel," I admit to him, crossing my arms to give myself some comfort.

"I know." Jace stands and walks over to me. My body tenses even more when he touches my arm and moves closer into me. He senses something immediately, but I doubt he can fully comprehend what's going on with me in his current state. He didn't even notice that I had a panic attack just minutes ago. "I didn't want to," Jace adds, staring into me. I don't know if I'm imagining it, or if he's really slurring his words slightly.  

"So... Derek forced it down your throat. Or rather, up your nose?" I ask him quietly. "That's pretty hard for me to believe."

"Not exactly, but..." 

I interrupt him. "I'm sick and tired of the secrecy," I remark, crossing my arms, and meaning it. Jace has to back up from me slightly in the process. "All night, I was anxious about Jessica or some other girl at the party, and then you come home like this... and you won't even tell me why," I add quietly.

Jace sighs once more.  "How about this... I'll tell you one day, alright? Just give me some time. It has to be enough for now," he says, brushing some of my hair out of my face and behind my ear.

"You're not making much sense," I admit to him. Of course he doesn't, maybe he won't even remember anything he just said to me tomorrow. I have no idea how any of this works. "You're different. I don't like it," I let him know. It's not just what he's saying that's different—it's everything about him: his body language, the look in his eyes.

For a split second I fear that being this close to him will make me high too. I obviously know that that's not how it works, but being around a drugged up person just makes me highly uncomfortable.

"I'm sorry," Jace says, avoiding my eyes. He probably knows the way they look right now.

"I think I'm just gonna go to bed," I say, knowing that I have no way to get home to the dorm since Jace is... well, high. Not that I'm allowed to be alone there anyway.

"Do you want me to sleep on the couch?" Jace asks me, when I enter the bathroom to get ready.

I think about it for a split second. "Yes. And no," I let him know. Of course I don't want to sleep alone, I just want him to know the ways he's making me feel right now.

When I'm ready for bed, I step out of the bathroom and find Jace already asleep on the bed. I lie down beside him, silently hoping I can quiet my thoughts and finally get some rest.

What a week it's been.

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